Category Archives: Family

About that homeschooling thing…

Posted by Amy in Homeschooling and tagged with , , , ,

By Jason Kasper from Harrisburg, USA (Modified version of 100_4456) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I don’t talk about homeschooling very often.  Part of the reason is my kids–I prefer not to discuss them without their permission.  Since homeschooling is, by nature, about my daughter, I tend not to write much.  When something general comes up, however, I find myself wanting to respond.

The latest is a series of posts written by former homescholars.  I don’t begrudge them needing their space to talk about the frightening world from which they came; I believe safe space is vital.  My problem is not with Homeschoolers Anonymous, or even with some of what they’ve written.  My problem is with the response it has generated.

Before I begin, let me go on the record saying that as a homeschooling parent, I do not feel like an oppressed minority.  I may be in the actual minority, but that doesn’t make me oppressed.  We love our school district (our son is a public school student, and our daughter will likely be one eventually).  We have a great working relationship with them.  We’ve borrowed materials, including text books, and the teachers are always more than willing to give us suggestions.  Later this morning, I will be dropping off my daughter’s third quarter report and staying a few minutes to chat with the security guard who accepts it for transit to the office.  I can’t stress enough how much we appreciate what they’ve done for us.  Keeping that relationship good is what enables us to enjoy homeschooling our daughter.

That said, it makes me angry when I feel like I’m getting crap from both ends.  Many of my fellow homeschooling parents have been critical of the fact that we are working so closely with the district–they believe we’ve somehow given up our “rights.”  Others find it distasteful that we don’t use a specific, prepackaged curriculum.  A few even turn up their noses at our lack of “faith-based” instruction.  And among those who don’t care about any of those things, we’ve taken heat for not living a more “organic” lifestyle to go along with our homeschooling.  It hurts, but as a result, we’ve never found a homeschool group that felt like home.  We’ve stuck with individual friendships (I’m so beyond blessed that one of my best friends also homeschools her daughter) and have enrolled our daughter in other activities.  She’s a Girl Scout, takes two dance classes, and participates in other activities as we find time.

On the flip side, there are the Angry Ex-Homescholars.  Again, I don’t want to take away from their very real pain.  But comments about how people can “spot a homeschooled kid a mile away” and rants about how it’s “damaging” to the kids make me unbelievably angry.  What makes me angry is not so much that people think those things but that a certain subset of the population has given them reason to think them.

When I hear about the way the Homeschool Legal Defense Association (the legal activists) have put pressure on families to refuse to comply with social workers or the way that some parents have used homeschooling as a tool of abuse, I want to scream.  I want to cry when I hear from adults who were homeschooled that they never learned proper math or that their parents, for religious reasons, refused to teach them about human sexuality.  I want to punch something when I see some of the crap that passes for science in “Christian” homeschool materials.  The fact that a web site like Homeschoolers Anonymous even exists–out of necessity–cuts me deeply.

When we began our journey more than five years ago, we had a purpose in mind.  Our son, who came out of the womb with the energy of a lightning storm, was reading at a third grade level at age four and a half.  The combination, we knew, would be lethal in a classroom.  The original plan was to keep him home until middle school.  When first grade rolled around, we had already discovered that he didn’t fit in well with other homeschooled kids (he was bullied, believe it or not, for being a dancer).  As a family, we’re pretty different from most.  On top of that, he needed to be around other people almost constantly–he’s the definition of an extrovert.  So we sent him off to a great public school, where he has continued to thrive.

We offer our daughter the option every year.  So far, she has chosen to remain at home.  I have maintained my drive to ensure that she develops high-level skill in reading and math (so far, so good) and that she finds ways to pursue her passions.  I refuse to use Christian materials, because they are long on religion and short on actual science.  I have a girl who is interested in keeping our natural world and our animal friends safe–if I want to draw her back to her faith, what better way to do it than to help her understand that God made all these beautiful things?  We don’t need Bob Jones or A Bekka to help us do that.

We can’t afford private school full-time, and the only schools offering a la carte classes are the Christian schools–which for us is a big NO.  I won’t allow my daughter to be taught science by a teacher who denies evolution, believes in a literal 6-day creation, and insists that humans and dinosaurs must have co-existed.  So if my daughter decides to stay home longer than middle school, we will be searching for ways to supplement what I can do so that she isn’t behind in any way come graduation.

There are several things I need people to understand about homeschooling:

  1. We are not all families that believe a woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant.
  2. We are not all like the HSLDA folks.
  3. Not all of us weave religion into every aspect of our day.
  4. Many of us want our kids–especially our girls, who may or may not experience this even in public school–to study math and science.
  5. Our children are not all easily recognizable as homeschooled kids.  People are constantly surprised to learn that my daughter is homeschooled.  I guess they don’t expect her to be socially or academically competent, or perhaps they think she doesn’t fit their stereotype of “weird.”
  6. Not all of us think education is one size fits all.  Being a half-n-half family works well for us; it’s different for other families.
  7. When anti-homeschooling people and HSLDA members alike fight over this, it hurts everyone.  Many of us don’t want to be civilian casualties in your war; please don’t use us as pawns.

I write often on this blog about how we need to get to know the people we are judging.  Please don’t make assumptions about me or my family without knowing us.  When you make sweeping statements about what homeschooling families are like (or about what public schooling families are like), you are causing pain to those who don’t share that view.  Work to make it safer for all kids; work to get legislation in place so that abuse can’t be covered (including among public- and private-schooled kids).  But don’t do it by saying nasty things about what you think we’re up to in our household.  Chances are, you will be wrong.

Guest Post: Hope Behind the Picket Fence

Posted by Amy in Faith, Family, Guest Post and tagged with

Today’s guest post was written by Brenda L. Yoder, MA.  Many thanks to her for offering her beautiful words.

Life Beyond the Picket Fence

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten” Joel 2:25

When I was a little girl, I knew just what kind of house I wanted.  It was yellow, had white trim, and a picket fence, just like my storybook friend in “Laurie and the House with Yellow Curtains.”  Now that I’m forty-something, that dream is a reality.  We have a yellow house, with white trim, and a picket fence.

Only behind the picket fence, there is dirt, manure, and weeds. 

Granted, it’s that way because our fence borders the garden.  But it also describes a life beyond the picket fence.  You know, the life-that-isn’t-what-I-thought-it-would-be life.  While sharing our picket-fence journey often makes me feel vulnerable, I find ease in sharing it when others need hope of a living God who redeems lives and restores broken dreams.

As a young parent, I first became familiar with Joel 2:25 when I read a book titled “When Counting to 10 Isn’t Enough: Defusing Anger” by Kathy Collard Miller.  It was the first resource I came across as I struggled with anger and reactionary responses to a strong-willed child.  As the years went on, power struggles with a toddler turned to full-blown, explosive, damaging fights with a hormonal teenager. They were a way of life for us, bringing turmoil and destruction to an otherwise picture-perfect home.  The calm serenity of a picket fence life was apparent from the outside, but not within.  Pain, not peace, was our routine, anger and hurt was our norm.

During these years, hope was something I desperately needed but couldn’t find or hold on to.  As leaders in our church and community, we were afraid to share our struggle, fearful of judgment or condemnation. I wonder if you’ve ever felt that way? When you walk a hard road alone, it’s a perfect recipe for hopelessness.  Hope is elusive when pain and turmoil is all you know.

As I’ve walked our journey and have accompanied others on their roads, I’m convinced one of the most essential needs of humanity is hope.

Hope that things can change.  Hope that God is good even in pain and struggle.  Hope that while people fail, God never does.

Hope for me came when I realized I couldn’t control the other people in the equation.  Just like an algebraic formula, I could only control one variable, me, and I hoped making changes would result in a different outcome.

As a result, I took obedient steps in what the Lord was calling me to do, making difficult decisions about behavior, sources of stress, and my own needs.  In the process, peace gracefully entered our home. It wasn’t an earth-shattering event, but was an equally powerful moment.  It began with a conversation in my kitchen, one that was probably routine in other homes.  For us, it was the first of its kind between a mother and child who had been at odds with each other for years. When the conversation ended, the presence of Hope was so powerful you could feel it.  My Savior was tangible that day.  Hope had arrived.  

Over the course of time, God has continued bringing hope and healing into our home, providing joy and restoration where pain and despair previously resided.  Hope came when obedience accompanied prayer, creating a catalyst for change I believe God desired to bring.  Now that we are on the other side, having journeyed from darkness to peace, it’s important I share with others that hope isn’t an elusive thing like that picket-fence image.  Hope isn’t feel-good front we put on when our world is falling apart.  It’s acknowledging that when life is full of dirt, manure, and weeds, good things can still grow. It’s allowing the Gardener of Hope do His work, weeding out destructive elements.

Hope, sometimes, is a choice.

Brenda lives life on a farm in Northern Indiana with her husband and four children, ages ranging from elementary to college.  She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and BA in Secondary Education.  She’s been a stay-at-home-mom, teacher, and is currently a part-time school counselor, behavioral service provider, and has a small private counseling practice. Her greatest passion is encouraging others and sharing hope.  She does this through writing and speaking at www.brendayoder.com, where she authentically shares life beyond the picket-fence image. She is a contributing writer for The Purpose magazine, The Hometown Treasure, Not Alone Mom, She Stands and Circle of Friends online magazines. She is a speaker for Stonecroft Ministries, and is an inspiring bible teacher for women and churches.  You can contact Brenda at yoderbl@gmail.com.

 

 

Classroom morality

Posted by Amy in Morality, Parenting and tagged with

Since I’ve been asked by a number of people, I’m going to share exactly why I don’t believe that “Christian” morals should be taught in schools and what I think is the only option available to us in light of those reasons.

Last week, before reading to my kids, I commented on how much I love looking at the Christmas lights.  My son said, “You can’t love things, only people.”  Puzzled, since this is terminology we often use in our house, I asked him about it.  He confirmed that it was his teacher who told him that.

While I don’t entirely disagree (though I would say it’s a matter of semantics), I found myself irritated that his teacher thought it was her place to tell children something that amounts to her opinion.  If what she meant was that she would prefer the students to be more creative in their language, then she should have said that instead.  How my son interpreted her words was that he should never use the word “love” unless speaking of another person.

What bothers me most about it is that he is nine and very susceptible to impression by the other adults in his life.  We’ve seen that before—on more than one occasion, he returned from church telling us that girls were not as good as boys and that girls could only do certain things.  It’s also happened before at school, such as the time he came home from second grade repeating an urban legend his teacher informed the class was true.  As his parents, we can try to correct these messages at home, but in the case of church, it required removing him from that context before he trusted what we were telling him.

On the surface, that may sound like a good thing.  After all, if kids are listening to their teachers, then perhaps that gives teachers the chance to present messages about what is appropriate or healthy for their age.  Could we get children to stop playing violent video games or watching adult-themed television programs?  Could we prevent adolescents from absorbing sexually-charged messages?  Possibly.

I don’t want to do that.  As I mentioned, not one of the things our son brought to us was something we actually wanted him to be taught.  I do not want our kids to learn any one teacher’s version of morality.  That can easily head into dangerous territory.  Suppose a teacher wants to instruct the students that homosexuality is immoral?  Some parents would agree, but many would not; it would be particularly damaging for students who themselves are gay, or who have parents, friends, and siblings who are.  Suppose a teacher wants the students to learn that women should submit to men in their authority?  That might actually lead to problems among students and an increase in boys harassing girls.  What if a teacher were to suggest to students that they should not read books by Lewis, Tolkien, or Rowling because they contain magic?  That would limit a child’s choice of what to read.

Those may sound far-fetched, but I absolutely know teachers who believe all of those things.  It would be quite a task for a school district or a principal to create rules about which moral values could be taught and which couldn’t.  Although we may not agree with the way other people parent their children, it’s not a teacher’s job to override those decisions

What schools can do is influence the students’ actual behavior toward each other.  Students can be expected to show basic decency and respect toward one another.  Students failing to demonstrate that attitude can and should be disciplined, without resorting to victim-blaming/shaming tactics such as “social skills” classes for those who are bullied (inherent in such classes is the notion that if a child behaves “normally,” he or she will not be picked on).  Teachers can and should be encouraged to show enthusiasm for their work and for the very idea of learning.  (Although I mentioned a negative example about my son’s teacher, one thing I do like about her is how much she obviously loves both learning and teaching.)  Adults within the school can reinforce the message that there are safe, caring people the students can turn to when they need help.

I am pleased to say that I send my child to a district where this is frequently true.  Are they perfect?  No, of course not.  But more often than not, they have it right.  I am sorry that not all districts are like that; the one in which I grew up was not.  However, I don’t believe that asking teachers to promote certain values would have addressed my situation.  In fact, given what I remember, it likely would have increased my suffering.

As parents, we also have a responsibility.  While we cannot parent another child in place of his or her own family, we can choose with whom our children spend time.  We can make a point of addressing situations in which our children are victimized and demand change.  We can find like-minded parents and stick together.

For many people, the local school is the only option.  They can’t afford private schools, and homeschooling may not be feasible.  But allowing teachers (or principals) to encourage specific morals isn’t the answer.  The problem is far too complex for such a solution.  For my part, I’m going to do the best I can as a parent and hope that it’s enough.

No one else’s mother

Posted by Amy in Blogs, News, Parenting and tagged with , ,

By Richard Masoner (Light bedtime reading) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Warnings: This post mentions last Friday’s tragedy; mental illness; parenting; and that horrible article, “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother.”  It’s also very long.  You might need some popcorn and a Coke.

Disclaimer: I have my son’s express permission to discuss his ADHD and our relationship.  I don’t have my daughter’s permission to write about her, though.  Her exact words: “I don’t want you to talk about me.  But if you’re talking about Jack, make sure you tell them he has a sister.”  I love that girl.

As a parent of a child with a diagnosed disorder, Liza Long does not speak for me.  She doesn’t speak for Adam Lanza’s dead mother either, although she seems to think she’s entitled to do so.

I’m not quite sure where to begin.  There is so much wrong with that blog post (which I will not be linking to; you’ve all seen it on Facebook and Twitter already, and I refuse to give her more traffic).  When I first read it, I was confused.  Then I started thinking about it and reading what others were saying, and I grew more and more upset.

Before I begin, I need to clear something up.  I keep seeing people

who are (rightly) upset over the article saying that those of us who are caregivers for people with diagnoses have no right to have feelings about it.  I’m sorry they believe that, because unfortunately, that attitude is what keeps caregivers from seeking help themselves before they break down from exhaustion.  Yes, we who live with people whose brains are wired differently have the right (and responsibility) to feel things about our roles and to learn how to deal with those feelings.

Additionally, I know that ADHD is “mild” compared to, say, a major psychosis.  However, ADHD comes with its own set of associated issues, including (in some children) violent outbursts and difficulty in controlling anger.  While my son doesn’t generally have violent tendencies, he is extremely impulsive and sometimes has trouble managing his temper.  This results in screaming, crying, and lashing out at us.  What the blogger describes is similar to behavior we’ve seen in our son.

That said, here is my take on that article:

She uses the tragedy to vent her feelings about her own child.

I understand needing to talk about the frustrations of being a parent.  It’s tough on a good day with children who have never received any kind of diagnosis.  It’s even harder when you have a child whose needs are different from your other children.  But the problem here is that this woman used the shooting as a platform for her own family issues.  I don’t know what she was intending to get out of it, but I didn’t see anything remotely resembling compassion for the families who lost their children.

She posted under her real name.

If one is going to write about personal things, it ought to be do

ne under a pseudonym.  Even though she changed her son’s name, it would be possible to find out who he is.  This is one reason I don’t discuss my kids’ personal problems without their permission.  They are old enough to decide if they really want Mom blogging about them (see my disclaimer above).  I think there is value in expressing ourselves and learning from each other.  Both those with diagnoses and their caregivers need to connect with others who have been in the same position.  But it really should be anonymous or used by permission; otherwise, you’re telling someone else’s story and not your own.

Her child is a problem to be solved, not a person.

Speaking from experience, it’s not easy to live with someone with different hardwiring.  Is it frustrating when it takes him 45 minutes to complete a 10-minute task?  Yes.  Does his impulsivity frighten me at times?  Yes.  Do I think twice before taking him to the grocery store, because I know he’s going to insist on pushing the cart and try to ride it, nearly knocking into other shoppers?  Yes.  But those are behaviors, not who my son is.  We work on specific things, not on changing his personality.  We sit with him for homework and offer incentives so that it takes less time.  We set

things up to keep him safe when he’s active and rein him in when he’s impulsive.  I take him to the store only for short trips where I don’t need a cart and give him specific jobs to do.  But I don’t try to make him less distracted, impulsive, and active.

Seeking help for her son seems to be for the purpose of getting relief.

I know it’s hard to parent kids who behave in atypical ways.  When we decided to have our son evaluated, it wasn’t so we could fix him and get on with our real lives.  We wanted to accomplish two things: Make sure his needs were met and learn how to help him.  Having a diagnosis of ADHD wasn’t so that we could go, “Aha!” as though it explained everything in a nice, neat package tied with a bow.  In fact, it made things more complex.  That’s a good thing.  Sure, having the right tools in our box helps us to feel more relaxed as parents.  But part of that is having a kid who now understands himself and his needs better.  The whole point here is for us to become more loving and better at caring for him, not to have some way to make him be

a better boy.

There’s no evidence this woman’s son will become a killer.

Her willingness to easily equate her son’s behavior with that of a man who murdered children is quite strange.  Perhaps the trouble is that we don’t know him personally, but the examples she shared sound pretty much like what we deal with in our house (minus the threats of self-harm).  My son has lashed out at us physically, and he’s had unreasonable meltdowns about things like clothing.  Her reactions seem over-the-top and her fears about what her son will be like as an adult appear unfounded.  I find it appalling that a parent could look at her child and think, “He could be a mass-murderer one day.”  If the problems are really that bad, then they’re evident to people other than herself.  I have never heard of a situation where a child was out of control in which the school didn’t see the same behaviors and take steps to help.

Does she really want to destigmatize mental ill

ness?

There are several things wrong here:

  1. The conflation of mentally ill and violent crime
  2. The lumping of all mental illnesses into one broad category
  3. The inclusion of autism with mental illness

There is no existing link between mass shootings and mental illness.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.  People who are mentally ill are far more likely to be victimized than to be perpetrators.  It doesn’t help remove the stigma of mental illness if one continues to reinforce it.

What is “better” care?

There isn’t one kind of thing that will work to treat (not “fix” or “cure”) every person.  Even for people with the same diagnosis there can be vastly different experiences among people, and the same person can have varying degrees of appropriate care over a lifetime.  By saying we need better care and more access to care for the mentally ill, she isn’t being specific enough about what is needed.  Not only that, she only talks about getting help for people in the context of preventing crime.  She says nothing about getting help so that people have better quality of life.

She’s only her own kid’s mother.

I don’t even want another parent of a kid with ADHD speaking for me and claiming, “I am Jack’s mother.”  No, you’re not.  This woman is not Adam Lanza’s mother.  She doesn’t know what it wa

s like in his household or how he behaved as a child.  She doesn’t know that about the other boys she claims, either.  She doesn’t know what those mothers would or would not say about their children, or what their experiences were.  She is appropriating someone else’s life for her own purposes.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It hasn’t been an easy road with our son; he was intense from minute one.  Yet we’ve discovered that having a brain that works a little differently is a good thing.  Out of stubbornness comes tenacity; out of drive comes perseverance; out of energy comes stamina; out of impulsivity comes creativity; out of distraction comes multi-tasking.  We love our son exactly the way he is.  I would never wish that ADHD didn’t exist or that he didn’t have it.  More importantly, Jack likes who he is and looks forward to each day in his own body and with his own brain

.

I know that those who pass that blog post on mean well.  The conversations about how we treat mental illness are important.  But in this case, it’s not helpful.  It does nothing to reduce the stigma if we continue to act as though children with behavioral problems all have the potential to be killers and the mentally ill are responsible for the senseless shootings and other violent crimes.  Please stop spreading these lies by passing on a blog post that does nothing to help and only serves to hurt those who need help.  If you really want to help, then please find a way to do it that doesn’t reinforce stereotypes or appropriate other people’s experiences.

For another great post on this, read You Are Not Adam Lanza’s Mother.

Little Girls and Little Ponies

Posted by Amy in Gender Roles, Parenting and tagged with , ,

By Chaorama (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

It’s less than a week until the official launch of A Year of Biblical Womanhood.  I hope you have all ordered your copy.  Starting next week, I will review the book and then go through it with you chapter by chapter.  I would love to know that you are all reading along with me as we go.  Until then, continue to enjoy my musings on womanhood, feminism, raising a daughter, and all things in between.

When my daughter was born, as with my son, I determined that I wasn’t going to raise her in a way that pushed her to believe that only a certain way of playing, acting, or dressing was acceptable for a girl.  Like with Jack, we stuck with a lot of toys that any child would enjoy.  I explicitly avoided the “girl” versions of toys, such as the pink Fisher-Price Little People and the pink Bubble Mower.  I was certain that I was going to have a daughter who wasn’t afraid to be whoever she chose to be, and it wouldn’t be based on silly notions about lipstick and purses and princess gowns.

I got my wish, but it didn’t turn out exactly as I had expected.

It’s true that I have a girl who doesn’t play with Barbies; in fact, she doesn’t like most dolls.  She has never asked to be a fairy princess for Halloween, and she doesn’t stick exclusively to pink and purple clothes (she prefers her brother’s outgrown t-shirts paired with neutral-color skirts).  In her world, a purse is a storage compartment for toys, not lipstick.  She has virtually no interest in her hair except to complain when I comb it.

But she does like make-up, which she discovered when she had to wear it for a dance recital (for the record, my son does as well; stage make-up was required for everyone).  She likes fancy dresses; she likes to twirl for us and ask how she looks (the answer is always, “You look beautiful”).  She is a big fan of anything with Hello Kitty on it, including her favorite pair of rain boots ever—vivid pink with Hello Kitty’s head right on the toe.  And as I type this, she is watching an episode of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.”

Which brings me to my real point.  The new version of My Little Pony is something I can get behind.  Sarah and I like to watch together.  (The reason I’m writing while she watches is that she’s chosen an episode she’s seen at least 3 times.)  Sure, the show includes all the typical girl stereotypes: the Jock, the Brain, the Beauty Queen, the Tomboy, the Ditz, the Wallflower.  But what I like is the rather atypical way that plays out in the show.  (I also like that it’s a show even my husband and son like, which proves that having strong female lead characters is not something that puts boys off, any more than having a strong male lead puts girls off.)

I like seeing a fresh, fun show that has girls in mind, yet doesn’t resort to typical girl-on-girl aggression themes or require them to solve only problems related to “caregiver” scenarios or popularity and beauty contests.  I also have the feeling that the usual personality stereotypes are not so much because a girl can only be any one of those things but because each of us has all of those qualities in different measures.  The number of times the show makes reference to needing the different gifts each of the ponies brings to a situation underscores that, as well as reinforcing the idea of accepting our differences and using them to work together.

Part of the way my own heart has softened is in understanding that there is a big difference between a girl wanting to wear pink and play princess and a girl feeling like she has to do those things in order to be a “real” girl.  The first is a matter of personality and style; the second is imposed on us by an unyielding culture.  Understanding that my daughter, despite my efforts and despite her lack of school-related peer pressure, enjoys lots of things that are intended “for girls.”  There would only be a problem if she rejected anything else because she stopped believing that it was okay for a girl to deviate from the marketing.

What my daughter has is, I think, a rare gift: the ability to enjoy whatever she wants, without fear that anyone will think she’s not a “real” girl.  I suppose, in the end, that my efforts to shield her from societal pressures on girls has paid off.

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Don’t forget to submit your essays! Only 8 days to go!

Happy Birthday, Rochester Museum and Science Center

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, Family, Science and tagged with

Today is the 100th anniversary of the opening of our local science museum.  Congratulations!  I have many fond memories of growing up going to the museum.

My family had a membership to the Rochester Museum and Science Center for many years.  Going out on a Sunday afternoon to visit the museum was one of our favorite things to do together.  Back then, the museum was much smaller than it is now.  But that never mattered.  There was always something interesting to do there.

I remember when I was about seven or eight there was a huge exhibit that took up space on all three floors.  It was a miniature circus, marvelously detailed in every way.  The glass cases wound their way through the museum.  I was (and still am) fascinated by any small version of real life.  My favorite toy as a child was my dollhouse, because it had highly realistic furniture and accessories.  I used to go to craft stores looking for true-to-life miniatures to add to my collection.  So it should come as no surprise that this was my very favorite exhibit ever.  I have never forgotten it, nor the way it made me feel as I stood in front of the glass cases trying to see it all.  It’s no wonder I still get excited when the kids ask if we can go to the museum.

The other thing I remember about the museum from my childhood was how fascinated I was by the planetarium.  We have one of the largest and best planetariums in the country.  My first time in the Star Theater was when I was about six.  (At least, that’s the first one I can remember.)  I was on a class field trip and we “traveled” into space to see the stars, took a journey to the sun, and returned in time to watch the sun “rise” in the dome.  It was magical.  I credit that one visit with sparking my life-long interest in space.

Because of the educational programs that are offered at the museum, my own children have had the opportunity to be exposed to science in new ways.  My son has taken classes on Saturday afternoons in which he has explored principles of physics and even created simple machines.  My daughter has learned about the natural world, blending perfectly with the love she already has for animals.

The museum staff are fantastic.  We’ve been there fairly often, as we have our own family membership.  When we go in, the staff often recognize us.  The people who work and volunteer there really seem to enjoy their jobs and care about the families that walk through the doors.

Today, I am thankful that we live in a city with such a place.  If you ever chance to visit this area, be sure to check it out.  We may not have the largest science museum, but I am convinced we have one of the best.  Thank you, RMSC, for my own childhood memories, and thank you for providing my children with new ones of their own.

Adventures in Home Decorating, Part 1

Posted by Amy in Family and tagged with ,

Things are changing in all sorts of ways for our little family.  When I am able, I will blog more about our journey and some of the new roads we’re traveling.  For now, I’ll start with our recent home project.

Two years ago, we spent several weeks redecorating our living room and dining room.  (Some of you who know us in real life may remember that.)  It took three days to strip the wallpaper off in the dining room and another day to remove it from our entryway.  The house was torn up all summer.  Both kids were in camp at the time, and my husband was teaching summer school.  I would drop the kids off in the morning, then come home to steam and scrape.  In the end, we had two beautiful new rooms.  I decided that it had been worth it, but I was never going to do that much redecorating in one go again.

Ha, ha.

This summer, we decided to let the kids have their own rooms.  Up until now, we’ve only ever used two of our three bedrooms.  Our house is a Cape style, so we have one bedroom upstairs (never used) and two downstairs.  Now, we could have moved everyone around without painting.  All we would have had to do is clean thoroughly and move the furniture.

Um.

Part of the problem is that the upstairs room had been painted a hideous shade of pink.  I don’t care for pink anyway, but this hue was particularly nauseating.  Which is ironic, as it was the exact shade of Pepto-Bismol.  Apparently, this was the previous owner’s favorite color, because when we moved in, nearly the whole house was drenched in it.  My husband and I declared that if we were going to move into the upstairs room, that color had to go.

Which meant, of course, that the kids wanted to paint their rooms, too.

Nothing wrong with that.  After all, Jack’s room was designed with a much younger child in mind.  When we were expecting him, I didn’t want to decorate the nursery in standard pastels.  I wanted bright, vivid colors.  We chose VeggieTales as the theme and I bought some wall border.  I took it to Home Depot and they matched the accent color of the wall border.  For the last nine-plus years, the walls have been an eye-popping shade of yellow.

Meanwhile, the walls in Sarah’s room-to-be were cranberry red.  That was fine when it was our room, as that’s the color of our comforter.  But it wasn’t so nice for a little girl, especially one with a love for bright colors.  So we allowed the kids to pick their own colors and themes.  A fairly quick trip to Home Depot and we had everything we needed to turn their rooms into their own private sanctuaries.

When we first asked them, Jack said he wanted to paint his walls black and decorate with skulls.

Yeah.

At least we have one relatively normal child.  Sarah wanted purple walls.

Stick with me, tomorrow I will finish the Saga of the New Rooms.  You’ll have to wait until then to find out whether the skulls made an appearance.  (Some of you already know; don’t spoil it!)

Shotgun Prom

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Relationships, Sexuality and tagged with , ,

This photo has been circulating on Facebook:

I have the sense that most people find it funny.  I don’t.

Even though my childhood wasn’t perfect, and my parents did their share of crazy and destructive things, I am thankful that my father never would have dreamed of doing something like this.  In fact, my parents were actually pretty cool about the whole dating/prom thing.  (I went to both of mine with “loaner” guys—good friends on loan from their girlfriends who were unable to attend.  I had wanted to go with a date, but not a date, if you know what I mean.)

Back to the picture.  There is so much wrong here that I’m not sure where to begin.  Perhaps with the threat of physical violence by an adult toward an adolescent?  Or the lack of trust between the father and his daughter?  Or the idea that a young woman just needs a big, strong man to protect her from the evils of dating and sex?  Take your pick.

I understand that the sentiment behind this is the idea that Daddy Dear is willing to go to any length to protect his beloved daughter.  As a parent, I get it.  I want to protect my kids, too.  If anyone tries to hurt them, they will have Angry Mama Bear to contend with, and I would absolutely take a bullet or a speeding bus for them.  But that’s the difference here.  This man isn’t protecting his daughter from actual, real, impending threat.  He’s the one doing the threatening under the assumption that his daughter is incapable of taking care of herself or making her own choices about her relationships and intimacy.  (I’m not advocating for post-prom sex here; I’m just pointing out that unless her date is a rapist, then she herself is in control of what she does or doesn’t do with her date.)

There are a couple of things I’m sure that someone will want to point out to me about this.  First, the dad “understands” the way boys think because he was one.  You know what? I married a man who used to be a teenage boy.  My father was a teenage boy.  Every man in my family was a teenage boy at one point.  Guess what?  Not one of them would ever have considered doing anything like the man in the photo.  Not only that, all the men in my family (including the one I married) give a lot more credit to their daughters than that man.

Second, I’m sure some people might wonder if I would go out of my way to protect my kids from potential dangers.  Of course I would.  But I also know they have to learn to stand on their own.  Let me illustrate.  My son likes to climb things.  (I’m surprised he hasn’t found out how to get onto the roof yet.)  When he was about 5, we were at the playground with some friends.  He climbed up the outside of the tube slide, something he’d been doing for quite some time.  When the other moms saw, they all yelled to him at once to get down.  He got distracted and slipped, scraping himself on the way down.  The other moms turned to glare at me, and one or two said, “I told you that would happen.”  The problem is, they were the ones who caused the fall.  If he hadn’t turned to see why they were calling him, he would have made it safely to the top.

When my son first started climbing, I did worry.  I wanted to stand guard under him in case he fell.  I wanted to tell him to stop, to wait until he was bigger, to tell him he shouldn’t do that.  But that wouldn’t have stopped him.  He would have continued trying, because that’s part of who he is.  Instead of preventing him from climbing, I understood that I had to give him the confidence and the tools to do it safely.

I feel the same way about my kids and their future relationships.  I want to provide them all the tools they need to be emotionally and physically healthy.  Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I don’t just mean giving my kids “the talk” and handing them condoms on prom night.  I mean that I want to give them what they need so that they know how to stand up for themselves when they feel pressured into something they’re not ready for.  I want to provide them a faith-based moral foundation so that they are spiritually prepared to make wise choices.  I want them to understand healthy relationships.  And yes, I want them to have everything they need in the event they make a choice that is different than what I would prefer.

Before someone points out that I don’t yet have teenagers and might feel differently, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.  I know what kind of parents I had, and I know what kind of parent I want to be.  I also know that my kids are surrounded by family and friends who care about us.  I’m not worried.  See, I trust my kids.  I trust them because we have that kind of relationship.  You won’t find my husband or me standing on the porch with a gun because it won’t be necessary.  Instead, we’ll be the ones begging for one more picture before waving to them from the doorway.  Kind of like my own parents.

Children’s Bible

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Religion and tagged with

Photo by anitapatterson

I don’t have much time today, so this will be short and sweet.

Here’s a question for Christian parents: Do you read the Bible with your children?  Which version?  Do you read selected stories, or just read through?

The question of how we talk about faith and Scriptures with our kids has been going around for a while.  On one end, there’s a whole movement to declare “indoctrination” with religious instruction as “spiritual abuse” of children.  (For the record, I don’t agree.  I think that there can be abuse within the context of religious instruction, but in and of itself it’s not abusive.)  On the other end, there’s discussion about how we can more effectively make disciples of all ages.

These are valid discussions, ones we need.  If Christians are to be able to come to the table together, despite our doctrinal differences, we need to be able to talk about how we handle Christian education.  Unfortunately,  I think that a whole group of people have been left out of the conversation—the parents.

Everywhere a parent looks, even within the church, there is advice on how to handle just about every facet of child-rearing.  It seems as though everyone has an opinion.  Similarly, there is a wealth of information available for Christian education, including online lesson plans, teaching philosophies, and printable materials.  But there are very few resources for parents on just how we, as the most influential adults in our kids’ lives, can help them grow in their faith.

Sure, we hear about how important it is to read the Bible and pray with our kids, how we should make sure they are attending church with us.  There are curricula available for homeschooling families which include religious instruction.  There are even kids’ devotionals.  None of that is what I’m talking about.  What I think we need is to help parents communicate their beliefs effectively, while simultaneously encouraging children to go deeper, to check things out for themselves.

This is more than just effective parenting techniques.  In our family, we want to make our beliefs clear to our kids, but we don’t want them to think that our love for them is contingent on their acceptance of those beliefs.  They already know that not all people are Christians and not all people believe in God.  Through homeschooling, we’ve had the chance to learn about other religions and read some of the stories from other traditions.  Now we want them to have a deeper understanding of our faith, beyond what they learn at church.

So my question for you, dear readers, is what steps have you taken to bring faith into your home?  Even though we are Christians, I still want to hear from some of my friends who are not.  How do you provide in-home spiritual care and instruction for your family?  If you read the Bible together, how do you handle the tough passages of your religious texts?

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, but I would also open this up to anyone who is interested in writing about this topic as a place for a guest post.  If you’re interested, contact me via this blog.  I also want to open this up to people who are not parents, and those who have grown children.  Just because you don’t have kids living in your home doesn’t mean you don’t have thoughts on this subject.  What do you all think?

Summertime

Posted by Amy in Family, Odds 'n' Ends and tagged with , ,

For the last month, we’ve all been busy.  First there was family vacation, followed by a week of dance camp and two weeks of day camp.  We’ve hardly stopped running the whole time.  But now that it’s over, it feels strange, this stillness.  It’s hard to believe that the train has stopped.  In a way, it’s difficult to imagine life without the daily trips.

This time of year always makes my heart a little heavy.  After the whirlwind of camp, it’s a bit of a letdown to step back into reality.  It was worse, back in the years when I was heavily invested in the daily work.  Even now, though, it still fills me with longing when it’s all over.

But all good things eventually come to an end.  And now, the rest of the summer stretches out before us, a blank canvas.  We will paint with visits to the park, the zoo, and the sprayground; time spent with friends, new and old; and an end-of-summer trip full of music, laughter, and love.  Though we’ve left behind the good gifts of July, we still have August to make summer magic.

Today, I’m resting my spirit.  I’m taking the time to read, to write, to reflect.  This is a day to enjoy the peace before we begin a new journey.  Though one stage is behind us, another lies ahead.  I want to be ready to take it as it comes and enjoy every moment.

What will August mean for you?