Category Archives: Parenting

About that homeschooling thing…

Posted by Amy in Homeschooling and tagged with , , , ,

By Jason Kasper from Harrisburg, USA (Modified version of 100_4456) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I don’t talk about homeschooling very often.  Part of the reason is my kids–I prefer not to discuss them without their permission.  Since homeschooling is, by nature, about my daughter, I tend not to write much.  When something general comes up, however, I find myself wanting to respond.

The latest is a series of posts written by former homescholars.  I don’t begrudge them needing their space to talk about the frightening world from which they came; I believe safe space is vital.  My problem is not with Homeschoolers Anonymous, or even with some of what they’ve written.  My problem is with the response it has generated.

Before I begin, let me go on the record saying that as a homeschooling parent, I do not feel like an oppressed minority.  I may be in the actual minority, but that doesn’t make me oppressed.  We love our school district (our son is a public school student, and our daughter will likely be one eventually).  We have a great working relationship with them.  We’ve borrowed materials, including text books, and the teachers are always more than willing to give us suggestions.  Later this morning, I will be dropping off my daughter’s third quarter report and staying a few minutes to chat with the security guard who accepts it for transit to the office.  I can’t stress enough how much we appreciate what they’ve done for us.  Keeping that relationship good is what enables us to enjoy homeschooling our daughter.

That said, it makes me angry when I feel like I’m getting crap from both ends.  Many of my fellow homeschooling parents have been critical of the fact that we are working so closely with the district–they believe we’ve somehow given up our “rights.”  Others find it distasteful that we don’t use a specific, prepackaged curriculum.  A few even turn up their noses at our lack of “faith-based” instruction.  And among those who don’t care about any of those things, we’ve taken heat for not living a more “organic” lifestyle to go along with our homeschooling.  It hurts, but as a result, we’ve never found a homeschool group that felt like home.  We’ve stuck with individual friendships (I’m so beyond blessed that one of my best friends also homeschools her daughter) and have enrolled our daughter in other activities.  She’s a Girl Scout, takes two dance classes, and participates in other activities as we find time.

On the flip side, there are the Angry Ex-Homescholars.  Again, I don’t want to take away from their very real pain.  But comments about how people can “spot a homeschooled kid a mile away” and rants about how it’s “damaging” to the kids make me unbelievably angry.  What makes me angry is not so much that people think those things but that a certain subset of the population has given them reason to think them.

When I hear about the way the Homeschool Legal Defense Association (the legal activists) have put pressure on families to refuse to comply with social workers or the way that some parents have used homeschooling as a tool of abuse, I want to scream.  I want to cry when I hear from adults who were homeschooled that they never learned proper math or that their parents, for religious reasons, refused to teach them about human sexuality.  I want to punch something when I see some of the crap that passes for science in “Christian” homeschool materials.  The fact that a web site like Homeschoolers Anonymous even exists–out of necessity–cuts me deeply.

When we began our journey more than five years ago, we had a purpose in mind.  Our son, who came out of the womb with the energy of a lightning storm, was reading at a third grade level at age four and a half.  The combination, we knew, would be lethal in a classroom.  The original plan was to keep him home until middle school.  When first grade rolled around, we had already discovered that he didn’t fit in well with other homeschooled kids (he was bullied, believe it or not, for being a dancer).  As a family, we’re pretty different from most.  On top of that, he needed to be around other people almost constantly–he’s the definition of an extrovert.  So we sent him off to a great public school, where he has continued to thrive.

We offer our daughter the option every year.  So far, she has chosen to remain at home.  I have maintained my drive to ensure that she develops high-level skill in reading and math (so far, so good) and that she finds ways to pursue her passions.  I refuse to use Christian materials, because they are long on religion and short on actual science.  I have a girl who is interested in keeping our natural world and our animal friends safe–if I want to draw her back to her faith, what better way to do it than to help her understand that God made all these beautiful things?  We don’t need Bob Jones or A Bekka to help us do that.

We can’t afford private school full-time, and the only schools offering a la carte classes are the Christian schools–which for us is a big NO.  I won’t allow my daughter to be taught science by a teacher who denies evolution, believes in a literal 6-day creation, and insists that humans and dinosaurs must have co-existed.  So if my daughter decides to stay home longer than middle school, we will be searching for ways to supplement what I can do so that she isn’t behind in any way come graduation.

There are several things I need people to understand about homeschooling:

  1. We are not all families that believe a woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant.
  2. We are not all like the HSLDA folks.
  3. Not all of us weave religion into every aspect of our day.
  4. Many of us want our kids–especially our girls, who may or may not experience this even in public school–to study math and science.
  5. Our children are not all easily recognizable as homeschooled kids.  People are constantly surprised to learn that my daughter is homeschooled.  I guess they don’t expect her to be socially or academically competent, or perhaps they think she doesn’t fit their stereotype of “weird.”
  6. Not all of us think education is one size fits all.  Being a half-n-half family works well for us; it’s different for other families.
  7. When anti-homeschooling people and HSLDA members alike fight over this, it hurts everyone.  Many of us don’t want to be civilian casualties in your war; please don’t use us as pawns.

I write often on this blog about how we need to get to know the people we are judging.  Please don’t make assumptions about me or my family without knowing us.  When you make sweeping statements about what homeschooling families are like (or about what public schooling families are like), you are causing pain to those who don’t share that view.  Work to make it safer for all kids; work to get legislation in place so that abuse can’t be covered (including among public- and private-schooled kids).  But don’t do it by saying nasty things about what you think we’re up to in our household.  Chances are, you will be wrong.

Classroom morality

Posted by Amy in Morality, Parenting and tagged with

Since I’ve been asked by a number of people, I’m going to share exactly why I don’t believe that “Christian” morals should be taught in schools and what I think is the only option available to us in light of those reasons.

Last week, before reading to my kids, I commented on how much I love looking at the Christmas lights.  My son said, “You can’t love things, only people.”  Puzzled, since this is terminology we often use in our house, I asked him about it.  He confirmed that it was his teacher who told him that.

While I don’t entirely disagree (though I would say it’s a matter of semantics), I found myself irritated that his teacher thought it was her place to tell children something that amounts to her opinion.  If what she meant was that she would prefer the students to be more creative in their language, then she should have said that instead.  How my son interpreted her words was that he should never use the word “love” unless speaking of another person.

What bothers me most about it is that he is nine and very susceptible to impression by the other adults in his life.  We’ve seen that before—on more than one occasion, he returned from church telling us that girls were not as good as boys and that girls could only do certain things.  It’s also happened before at school, such as the time he came home from second grade repeating an urban legend his teacher informed the class was true.  As his parents, we can try to correct these messages at home, but in the case of church, it required removing him from that context before he trusted what we were telling him.

On the surface, that may sound like a good thing.  After all, if kids are listening to their teachers, then perhaps that gives teachers the chance to present messages about what is appropriate or healthy for their age.  Could we get children to stop playing violent video games or watching adult-themed television programs?  Could we prevent adolescents from absorbing sexually-charged messages?  Possibly.

I don’t want to do that.  As I mentioned, not one of the things our son brought to us was something we actually wanted him to be taught.  I do not want our kids to learn any one teacher’s version of morality.  That can easily head into dangerous territory.  Suppose a teacher wants to instruct the students that homosexuality is immoral?  Some parents would agree, but many would not; it would be particularly damaging for students who themselves are gay, or who have parents, friends, and siblings who are.  Suppose a teacher wants the students to learn that women should submit to men in their authority?  That might actually lead to problems among students and an increase in boys harassing girls.  What if a teacher were to suggest to students that they should not read books by Lewis, Tolkien, or Rowling because they contain magic?  That would limit a child’s choice of what to read.

Those may sound far-fetched, but I absolutely know teachers who believe all of those things.  It would be quite a task for a school district or a principal to create rules about which moral values could be taught and which couldn’t.  Although we may not agree with the way other people parent their children, it’s not a teacher’s job to override those decisions

What schools can do is influence the students’ actual behavior toward each other.  Students can be expected to show basic decency and respect toward one another.  Students failing to demonstrate that attitude can and should be disciplined, without resorting to victim-blaming/shaming tactics such as “social skills” classes for those who are bullied (inherent in such classes is the notion that if a child behaves “normally,” he or she will not be picked on).  Teachers can and should be encouraged to show enthusiasm for their work and for the very idea of learning.  (Although I mentioned a negative example about my son’s teacher, one thing I do like about her is how much she obviously loves both learning and teaching.)  Adults within the school can reinforce the message that there are safe, caring people the students can turn to when they need help.

I am pleased to say that I send my child to a district where this is frequently true.  Are they perfect?  No, of course not.  But more often than not, they have it right.  I am sorry that not all districts are like that; the one in which I grew up was not.  However, I don’t believe that asking teachers to promote certain values would have addressed my situation.  In fact, given what I remember, it likely would have increased my suffering.

As parents, we also have a responsibility.  While we cannot parent another child in place of his or her own family, we can choose with whom our children spend time.  We can make a point of addressing situations in which our children are victimized and demand change.  We can find like-minded parents and stick together.

For many people, the local school is the only option.  They can’t afford private schools, and homeschooling may not be feasible.  But allowing teachers (or principals) to encourage specific morals isn’t the answer.  The problem is far too complex for such a solution.  For my part, I’m going to do the best I can as a parent and hope that it’s enough.

No one else’s mother

Posted by Amy in Blogs, News, Parenting and tagged with , ,

By Richard Masoner (Light bedtime reading) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Warnings: This post mentions last Friday’s tragedy; mental illness; parenting; and that horrible article, “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother.”  It’s also very long.  You might need some popcorn and a Coke.

Disclaimer: I have my son’s express permission to discuss his ADHD and our relationship.  I don’t have my daughter’s permission to write about her, though.  Her exact words: “I don’t want you to talk about me.  But if you’re talking about Jack, make sure you tell them he has a sister.”  I love that girl.

As a parent of a child with a diagnosed disorder, Liza Long does not speak for me.  She doesn’t speak for Adam Lanza’s dead mother either, although she seems to think she’s entitled to do so.

I’m not quite sure where to begin.  There is so much wrong with that blog post (which I will not be linking to; you’ve all seen it on Facebook and Twitter already, and I refuse to give her more traffic).  When I first read it, I was confused.  Then I started thinking about it and reading what others were saying, and I grew more and more upset.

Before I begin, I need to clear something up.  I keep seeing people

who are (rightly) upset over the article saying that those of us who are caregivers for people with diagnoses have no right to have feelings about it.  I’m sorry they believe that, because unfortunately, that attitude is what keeps caregivers from seeking help themselves before they break down from exhaustion.  Yes, we who live with people whose brains are wired differently have the right (and responsibility) to feel things about our roles and to learn how to deal with those feelings.

Additionally, I know that ADHD is “mild” compared to, say, a major psychosis.  However, ADHD comes with its own set of associated issues, including (in some children) violent outbursts and difficulty in controlling anger.  While my son doesn’t generally have violent tendencies, he is extremely impulsive and sometimes has trouble managing his temper.  This results in screaming, crying, and lashing out at us.  What the blogger describes is similar to behavior we’ve seen in our son.

That said, here is my take on that article:

She uses the tragedy to vent her feelings about her own child.

I understand needing to talk about the frustrations of being a parent.  It’s tough on a good day with children who have never received any kind of diagnosis.  It’s even harder when you have a child whose needs are different from your other children.  But the problem here is that this woman used the shooting as a platform for her own family issues.  I don’t know what she was intending to get out of it, but I didn’t see anything remotely resembling compassion for the families who lost their children.

She posted under her real name.

If one is going to write about personal things, it ought to be do

ne under a pseudonym.  Even though she changed her son’s name, it would be possible to find out who he is.  This is one reason I don’t discuss my kids’ personal problems without their permission.  They are old enough to decide if they really want Mom blogging about them (see my disclaimer above).  I think there is value in expressing ourselves and learning from each other.  Both those with diagnoses and their caregivers need to connect with others who have been in the same position.  But it really should be anonymous or used by permission; otherwise, you’re telling someone else’s story and not your own.

Her child is a problem to be solved, not a person.

Speaking from experience, it’s not easy to live with someone with different hardwiring.  Is it frustrating when it takes him 45 minutes to complete a 10-minute task?  Yes.  Does his impulsivity frighten me at times?  Yes.  Do I think twice before taking him to the grocery store, because I know he’s going to insist on pushing the cart and try to ride it, nearly knocking into other shoppers?  Yes.  But those are behaviors, not who my son is.  We work on specific things, not on changing his personality.  We sit with him for homework and offer incentives so that it takes less time.  We set

things up to keep him safe when he’s active and rein him in when he’s impulsive.  I take him to the store only for short trips where I don’t need a cart and give him specific jobs to do.  But I don’t try to make him less distracted, impulsive, and active.

Seeking help for her son seems to be for the purpose of getting relief.

I know it’s hard to parent kids who behave in atypical ways.  When we decided to have our son evaluated, it wasn’t so we could fix him and get on with our real lives.  We wanted to accomplish two things: Make sure his needs were met and learn how to help him.  Having a diagnosis of ADHD wasn’t so that we could go, “Aha!” as though it explained everything in a nice, neat package tied with a bow.  In fact, it made things more complex.  That’s a good thing.  Sure, having the right tools in our box helps us to feel more relaxed as parents.  But part of that is having a kid who now understands himself and his needs better.  The whole point here is for us to become more loving and better at caring for him, not to have some way to make him be

a better boy.

There’s no evidence this woman’s son will become a killer.

Her willingness to easily equate her son’s behavior with that of a man who murdered children is quite strange.  Perhaps the trouble is that we don’t know him personally, but the examples she shared sound pretty much like what we deal with in our house (minus the threats of self-harm).  My son has lashed out at us physically, and he’s had unreasonable meltdowns about things like clothing.  Her reactions seem over-the-top and her fears about what her son will be like as an adult appear unfounded.  I find it appalling that a parent could look at her child and think, “He could be a mass-murderer one day.”  If the problems are really that bad, then they’re evident to people other than herself.  I have never heard of a situation where a child was out of control in which the school didn’t see the same behaviors and take steps to help.

Does she really want to destigmatize mental ill

ness?

There are several things wrong here:

  1. The conflation of mentally ill and violent crime
  2. The lumping of all mental illnesses into one broad category
  3. The inclusion of autism with mental illness

There is no existing link between mass shootings and mental illness.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.  People who are mentally ill are far more likely to be victimized than to be perpetrators.  It doesn’t help remove the stigma of mental illness if one continues to reinforce it.

What is “better” care?

There isn’t one kind of thing that will work to treat (not “fix” or “cure”) every person.  Even for people with the same diagnosis there can be vastly different experiences among people, and the same person can have varying degrees of appropriate care over a lifetime.  By saying we need better care and more access to care for the mentally ill, she isn’t being specific enough about what is needed.  Not only that, she only talks about getting help for people in the context of preventing crime.  She says nothing about getting help so that people have better quality of life.

She’s only her own kid’s mother.

I don’t even want another parent of a kid with ADHD speaking for me and claiming, “I am Jack’s mother.”  No, you’re not.  This woman is not Adam Lanza’s mother.  She doesn’t know what it wa

s like in his household or how he behaved as a child.  She doesn’t know that about the other boys she claims, either.  She doesn’t know what those mothers would or would not say about their children, or what their experiences were.  She is appropriating someone else’s life for her own purposes.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It hasn’t been an easy road with our son; he was intense from minute one.  Yet we’ve discovered that having a brain that works a little differently is a good thing.  Out of stubbornness comes tenacity; out of drive comes perseverance; out of energy comes stamina; out of impulsivity comes creativity; out of distraction comes multi-tasking.  We love our son exactly the way he is.  I would never wish that ADHD didn’t exist or that he didn’t have it.  More importantly, Jack likes who he is and looks forward to each day in his own body and with his own brain

.

I know that those who pass that blog post on mean well.  The conversations about how we treat mental illness are important.  But in this case, it’s not helpful.  It does nothing to reduce the stigma if we continue to act as though children with behavioral problems all have the potential to be killers and the mentally ill are responsible for the senseless shootings and other violent crimes.  Please stop spreading these lies by passing on a blog post that does nothing to help and only serves to hurt those who need help.  If you really want to help, then please find a way to do it that doesn’t reinforce stereotypes or appropriate other people’s experiences.

For another great post on this, read You Are Not Adam Lanza’s Mother.

Little Girls and Little Ponies

Posted by Amy in Gender Roles, Parenting and tagged with , ,

By Chaorama (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

It’s less than a week until the official launch of A Year of Biblical Womanhood.  I hope you have all ordered your copy.  Starting next week, I will review the book and then go through it with you chapter by chapter.  I would love to know that you are all reading along with me as we go.  Until then, continue to enjoy my musings on womanhood, feminism, raising a daughter, and all things in between.

When my daughter was born, as with my son, I determined that I wasn’t going to raise her in a way that pushed her to believe that only a certain way of playing, acting, or dressing was acceptable for a girl.  Like with Jack, we stuck with a lot of toys that any child would enjoy.  I explicitly avoided the “girl” versions of toys, such as the pink Fisher-Price Little People and the pink Bubble Mower.  I was certain that I was going to have a daughter who wasn’t afraid to be whoever she chose to be, and it wouldn’t be based on silly notions about lipstick and purses and princess gowns.

I got my wish, but it didn’t turn out exactly as I had expected.

It’s true that I have a girl who doesn’t play with Barbies; in fact, she doesn’t like most dolls.  She has never asked to be a fairy princess for Halloween, and she doesn’t stick exclusively to pink and purple clothes (she prefers her brother’s outgrown t-shirts paired with neutral-color skirts).  In her world, a purse is a storage compartment for toys, not lipstick.  She has virtually no interest in her hair except to complain when I comb it.

But she does like make-up, which she discovered when she had to wear it for a dance recital (for the record, my son does as well; stage make-up was required for everyone).  She likes fancy dresses; she likes to twirl for us and ask how she looks (the answer is always, “You look beautiful”).  She is a big fan of anything with Hello Kitty on it, including her favorite pair of rain boots ever—vivid pink with Hello Kitty’s head right on the toe.  And as I type this, she is watching an episode of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.”

Which brings me to my real point.  The new version of My Little Pony is something I can get behind.  Sarah and I like to watch together.  (The reason I’m writing while she watches is that she’s chosen an episode she’s seen at least 3 times.)  Sure, the show includes all the typical girl stereotypes: the Jock, the Brain, the Beauty Queen, the Tomboy, the Ditz, the Wallflower.  But what I like is the rather atypical way that plays out in the show.  (I also like that it’s a show even my husband and son like, which proves that having strong female lead characters is not something that puts boys off, any more than having a strong male lead puts girls off.)

I like seeing a fresh, fun show that has girls in mind, yet doesn’t resort to typical girl-on-girl aggression themes or require them to solve only problems related to “caregiver” scenarios or popularity and beauty contests.  I also have the feeling that the usual personality stereotypes are not so much because a girl can only be any one of those things but because each of us has all of those qualities in different measures.  The number of times the show makes reference to needing the different gifts each of the ponies brings to a situation underscores that, as well as reinforcing the idea of accepting our differences and using them to work together.

Part of the way my own heart has softened is in understanding that there is a big difference between a girl wanting to wear pink and play princess and a girl feeling like she has to do those things in order to be a “real” girl.  The first is a matter of personality and style; the second is imposed on us by an unyielding culture.  Understanding that my daughter, despite my efforts and despite her lack of school-related peer pressure, enjoys lots of things that are intended “for girls.”  There would only be a problem if she rejected anything else because she stopped believing that it was okay for a girl to deviate from the marketing.

What my daughter has is, I think, a rare gift: the ability to enjoy whatever she wants, without fear that anyone will think she’s not a “real” girl.  I suppose, in the end, that my efforts to shield her from societal pressures on girls has paid off.

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Don’t forget to submit your essays! Only 8 days to go!

Shotgun Prom

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Relationships, Sexuality and tagged with , ,

This photo has been circulating on Facebook:

I have the sense that most people find it funny.  I don’t.

Even though my childhood wasn’t perfect, and my parents did their share of crazy and destructive things, I am thankful that my father never would have dreamed of doing something like this.  In fact, my parents were actually pretty cool about the whole dating/prom thing.  (I went to both of mine with “loaner” guys—good friends on loan from their girlfriends who were unable to attend.  I had wanted to go with a date, but not a date, if you know what I mean.)

Back to the picture.  There is so much wrong here that I’m not sure where to begin.  Perhaps with the threat of physical violence by an adult toward an adolescent?  Or the lack of trust between the father and his daughter?  Or the idea that a young woman just needs a big, strong man to protect her from the evils of dating and sex?  Take your pick.

I understand that the sentiment behind this is the idea that Daddy Dear is willing to go to any length to protect his beloved daughter.  As a parent, I get it.  I want to protect my kids, too.  If anyone tries to hurt them, they will have Angry Mama Bear to contend with, and I would absolutely take a bullet or a speeding bus for them.  But that’s the difference here.  This man isn’t protecting his daughter from actual, real, impending threat.  He’s the one doing the threatening under the assumption that his daughter is incapable of taking care of herself or making her own choices about her relationships and intimacy.  (I’m not advocating for post-prom sex here; I’m just pointing out that unless her date is a rapist, then she herself is in control of what she does or doesn’t do with her date.)

There are a couple of things I’m sure that someone will want to point out to me about this.  First, the dad “understands” the way boys think because he was one.  You know what? I married a man who used to be a teenage boy.  My father was a teenage boy.  Every man in my family was a teenage boy at one point.  Guess what?  Not one of them would ever have considered doing anything like the man in the photo.  Not only that, all the men in my family (including the one I married) give a lot more credit to their daughters than that man.

Second, I’m sure some people might wonder if I would go out of my way to protect my kids from potential dangers.  Of course I would.  But I also know they have to learn to stand on their own.  Let me illustrate.  My son likes to climb things.  (I’m surprised he hasn’t found out how to get onto the roof yet.)  When he was about 5, we were at the playground with some friends.  He climbed up the outside of the tube slide, something he’d been doing for quite some time.  When the other moms saw, they all yelled to him at once to get down.  He got distracted and slipped, scraping himself on the way down.  The other moms turned to glare at me, and one or two said, “I told you that would happen.”  The problem is, they were the ones who caused the fall.  If he hadn’t turned to see why they were calling him, he would have made it safely to the top.

When my son first started climbing, I did worry.  I wanted to stand guard under him in case he fell.  I wanted to tell him to stop, to wait until he was bigger, to tell him he shouldn’t do that.  But that wouldn’t have stopped him.  He would have continued trying, because that’s part of who he is.  Instead of preventing him from climbing, I understood that I had to give him the confidence and the tools to do it safely.

I feel the same way about my kids and their future relationships.  I want to provide them all the tools they need to be emotionally and physically healthy.  Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I don’t just mean giving my kids “the talk” and handing them condoms on prom night.  I mean that I want to give them what they need so that they know how to stand up for themselves when they feel pressured into something they’re not ready for.  I want to provide them a faith-based moral foundation so that they are spiritually prepared to make wise choices.  I want them to understand healthy relationships.  And yes, I want them to have everything they need in the event they make a choice that is different than what I would prefer.

Before someone points out that I don’t yet have teenagers and might feel differently, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.  I know what kind of parents I had, and I know what kind of parent I want to be.  I also know that my kids are surrounded by family and friends who care about us.  I’m not worried.  See, I trust my kids.  I trust them because we have that kind of relationship.  You won’t find my husband or me standing on the porch with a gun because it won’t be necessary.  Instead, we’ll be the ones begging for one more picture before waving to them from the doorway.  Kind of like my own parents.

Children’s Bible

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Religion and tagged with

Photo by anitapatterson

I don’t have much time today, so this will be short and sweet.

Here’s a question for Christian parents: Do you read the Bible with your children?  Which version?  Do you read selected stories, or just read through?

The question of how we talk about faith and Scriptures with our kids has been going around for a while.  On one end, there’s a whole movement to declare “indoctrination” with religious instruction as “spiritual abuse” of children.  (For the record, I don’t agree.  I think that there can be abuse within the context of religious instruction, but in and of itself it’s not abusive.)  On the other end, there’s discussion about how we can more effectively make disciples of all ages.

These are valid discussions, ones we need.  If Christians are to be able to come to the table together, despite our doctrinal differences, we need to be able to talk about how we handle Christian education.  Unfortunately,  I think that a whole group of people have been left out of the conversation—the parents.

Everywhere a parent looks, even within the church, there is advice on how to handle just about every facet of child-rearing.  It seems as though everyone has an opinion.  Similarly, there is a wealth of information available for Christian education, including online lesson plans, teaching philosophies, and printable materials.  But there are very few resources for parents on just how we, as the most influential adults in our kids’ lives, can help them grow in their faith.

Sure, we hear about how important it is to read the Bible and pray with our kids, how we should make sure they are attending church with us.  There are curricula available for homeschooling families which include religious instruction.  There are even kids’ devotionals.  None of that is what I’m talking about.  What I think we need is to help parents communicate their beliefs effectively, while simultaneously encouraging children to go deeper, to check things out for themselves.

This is more than just effective parenting techniques.  In our family, we want to make our beliefs clear to our kids, but we don’t want them to think that our love for them is contingent on their acceptance of those beliefs.  They already know that not all people are Christians and not all people believe in God.  Through homeschooling, we’ve had the chance to learn about other religions and read some of the stories from other traditions.  Now we want them to have a deeper understanding of our faith, beyond what they learn at church.

So my question for you, dear readers, is what steps have you taken to bring faith into your home?  Even though we are Christians, I still want to hear from some of my friends who are not.  How do you provide in-home spiritual care and instruction for your family?  If you read the Bible together, how do you handle the tough passages of your religious texts?

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, but I would also open this up to anyone who is interested in writing about this topic as a place for a guest post.  If you’re interested, contact me via this blog.  I also want to open this up to people who are not parents, and those who have grown children.  Just because you don’t have kids living in your home doesn’t mean you don’t have thoughts on this subject.  What do you all think?

Notable News, week of July 13-20, 2012

Posted by Amy in Blogs, Links, News, Parenting, Sexuality, Social Justice, Women and tagged with , , ,

I woke up to some tragic news.  While I’m still going to highlight this week’s major Christian debate, I also want to send prayers out for those affected by the recent shooting in Aurora.

1. Movie Theater Shootings in Aurora, Colorado

Read the story here.  There are no words.  I am so sorry for the families of those who were killed or injured.  Also check out this article, about a blog post, the last one written by one of the victims of last night’s shooting.

2. Childless, White Feminists: Can They Speak for All of Us?

This is why I like the diverse people I follow on Twitter.  I heard about this article, which on first reading, doesn’t sound entirely bad.  But a more careful reading reveals that this is coming from someone who has never actually lived through the experience she is criticizing.  She also makes some assumptions about the kind of people who practice certain parenting styles.  So my answer is an emphatic no, this woman does not speak for me.  Parents, do what you believe is the right thing for your family, even if some “feminists” think you’re playing martyr.

3. The Gospel Coalition Delivers Some Epic Fail

I’m not even going to bother adding my 2 cents.  I think Rachel Held Evans, Christian Piatt, and Matthew Paul Turner have said it best.  Just go read the original, then read the responses.  I also highly recommend the links at the end of RHE’s second post.

Warning: Some of the blog posts contain references to rape and/or sexual abuse, which some people may find triggering.  In addition, the language used in the original article also may be triggering for some because of the specific language used.

The Polluted Waters of 50 Shades of Grey, Etc.

The Gospel Coalition, sex, and subordination

Some final thoughts on The Gospel Coalition, sex, and submission

Gospel Coalition’s Views on Gender, Sex Aren’t “Complementary”

50 Shades of WHAT: My response

All in the family

Posted by Amy in Dance, Parenting and tagged with

So, dance camp is officially over, and we’ve settled on the kids’ new studio.  (For those of you who don’t recall, their former studio closed in June.)  It has been an emotional roller coaster, trying to decide what we’re doing in the fall.  Like anything with parenting, it’s hard not to worry and second-guess.  I’ve been back and forth, weighed the pros and cons, and factored in the kids’ feelings.

The problem for me has been that after six years at the same place, it felt like home.  The staff, students, and parents were like family.  It was the perfect storm—the right place, time, and people.  For us, it was as near to perfection as we could have hoped.  There is no way to recreate that, no matter how long we search or how hard we try.  I worried that we would end up settling for second best, or even something that wasn’t good at all, just because we needed to find something.

The truth is, though, that I had to lay my own feelings aside and make a decision with the kids, instead of for them.  We ended up deciding that the place where they had camp was the right one, and here’s why:

1. From the minute we walked in the doors, the kids felt at home.  Jack said he knew where everything was, because he’d taken a class there before.  Sarah was excited because the studio has expanded since then, with a whole new room.  They had fun exploring the territory.

2. The other parents put me at ease.  They talked about how much they like it, how happy they are there.  They were warm and friendly as they welcomed us.  And there was not one “dance mom” among them.  In fact, one of the girls was stressed because she didn’t have the same clothes as the other kids.  Her parents took her outside and talked with her about how it was okay, and they helped her relax.  She likely has a highly competitive spirit, and her parents were wonderfully caring with her while talking her down from her ledge.

3. The kids bonded with their teachers.  This, to me, is significant.  These are the people who will be teaching them.  It’s important that they like and respect them.  The instructors seem to go out of their way to generate an inclusive environment.  For example, after the first class, the kids said they had their songs lined up for the mini-performance on the last day.  Both kids used the word “we” when describing the process of choosing the songs.  I don’t know if the classes actually chose their own songs or if the instructors did, but my kids had the sense that the students were part of the process.

4. The kids bonded with their classmates.  Again, this is important.  Sarah came home to tell me that another girl shared her snack, so she was going to share hers the next day.  Both of them said the other kids are nice and that they’ve made friends already.  I had the chance to talk to one of the more outgoing girls about the classes she takes.  She listed 4 styles and said she loves dancing there.  I know this says more about the parent than the studio, but the girl was polite and respectful, as well as enthusiastic about dance.  I like that there are kids like that for mine to interact with.

5. Jack gets to keep his previous teacher.  Hooray!  One of his instructors will be there this fall, and he wants to take her classes.  For Jack, this is critical.  With his ADHD, he needs people who understand him and can handle his quirks.  We know how good she is and Jack trusts her.  Believe me, this is huge.

6. The kids will have two recitals next year, and we know there won’t be a conflict.  Jack is thrilled to be back to Irish dance after a year away.  Sarah is itching to start.  They won’t have to worry about the scheduling.

7. It has my friend’s stamp of approval.  I have a friend who’s been there for several years, and he says it’s great.  I like that someone I know personally can speak from experience and tell me it’s good.

8. The woman who owned their previous studio will be teaching a class there.  It’s for adults, so the kids won’t be in her class.  But just knowing that she endorses it is big, too.

So there you have it.  I can’t predict the future, so I have no idea what will happen after next year.  But at least for now, I can stop worrying.  My kids, at least, are happy, which makes me happy too.

Notable News, week of July 7-13, 2012

Posted by Amy in Christianese, News, Parenting, Women and tagged with , , ,

Ah, it’s good to be back.  I have read a whole boatload of fantastic blog posts this week.  It was hard to pick my favorites!  So here we go, in no particular order:

1. Christian Piatt gives us the scoop on what Christians should stop saying.

Seriously, if you are not subscribed to Piatt’s blog, you should be.  You can read about the clichés he says Christians should never use here, here, and here.  And because Piatt is so awesome, he gives great advice on what we can do instead.

2. Avital Norman Nathman on handling the sexualization of young girls.

Another favorite writer, I appreciate that she tells it like it is, but she’s never heavy-handed.  In this article, she explains what sexualization is and talks about how we can give our daughters tools to protect themselves.  There’s a great list of resources at the end.

3. Daniel Tosh rape joke controversy.

This shouldn’t be a controversy at all.  Controversy implies that there is a defense for the action, even if some people were offended.  There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for what he said.  Dude claimed rape jokes are funny, woman objected, and he suggested it would be funny if 5 guys raped her right then.  He gave a somewhat back-handed apology, in which he said that all he meant was that bad things happen and we can joke about them.  Except the problem is, rape isn’t something that can be joked about.  So he’s either malicious or stupid, but either way, it’s indefensible.  Yet somehow, a lot of people did exactly that.  I refuse to post links to their idiocy, but I will link to some great responses:

Dear Daniel Tosh: You Know What’s Even Less Funny than Rape Jokes? Rape Threats

For Daniel Tosh, Actually Assaulting Women Is Comedy

Daniel Tosh and Rape

On a related note, this blog post isn’t specifically about Tosh, but it is about the way that some men believe that harassment is something women want and how decent men can respond to that.

4. Something that’s actually funny.

Because Daniel Tosh apparently can’t think of something funny that’s less crass than rape jokes, I’m providing it here.  Because you know what’s always funny? Phineas and Ferb.  Yeah, I know this isn’t news, and yeah, I know it’s not recent.  I don’t care.  It’s funny anyway.

You can enjoy the whole episode here.

The mouths (and bodies) of babes

Posted by Amy in Morality, Parenting and tagged with ,

My kids share a bedroom.  They have done this since my daughter was two.  People have long since stopped giving me grief over it, but I used to get quite a few comments and raised eyebrows.  Come to think of it, I’ve gotten that since they were born.  I have no idea why our sleeping arrangements are of any interest to anyone else, but chalk this one up to the ways moms (and often women generally) cut each other down.

When both kids were under two, they slept in our room.  As babies, they shared our bed.  Gradually they each transitioned to a bed in our room, then to their own room.  They’ve been together for almost 5 years.  This summer, we’re giving them their own rooms.  When I talk to people about moving rooms around, I can practically hear the sigh of relief that they won’t be changing in the same room anymore.

Honestly, the reason for giving them their own rooms has nothing at all to do with whether or not they see each other naked.  It’s more because Sarah needs space for her ever-expanding collection of stuffed animals and Jack, because of his ADHD, needs a quiet place to do his homework.  I would have been happy to let them share for a while longer.

What the heck is wrong with people?  Why is everyone so concerned with my children and whether or not they see each other’s private parts?  I really have no idea what anyone thinks is going to happen.  I mean, if Sarah sees her brother’s penis, is her head going to start spinning around while she spews split pea soup?  Good grief.

I know this is all bound up in the very screwed up way a lot of people view sex and bodies.  They’re placing adult sensibilities on children who haven’t even reached puberty.  I’m not gonna lie here, people need to deal with their own issues instead of projecting onto my kids.

I’m a lot less worried about whether my kids see each other naked, or whether they are “appropriately” modest, than I am about the kind of people they are becoming.

The things I choose to emphasize in my kids seem to be different from what many of my conservative acquaintances apparently believe are important.  There’s a lot of pressure for me to choose activities for them that will keep them away from “impurity.”  I should monitor their clothes, their friends, and their extracurricular activities carefully lest they be immodest, gay, or sexually active.  This is the message I hear repeatedly.  Strangely, no one seems concerned with whether or not I’m helping them become better people.

You can do everything “right” when it comes to purity and still be a raging—excuse my language—asshole.  Trust me, I know a lot of people like that.  They rage against our heathen, sexually charged culture, but every other word out of their own mouths is hateful, angry, and abusive.  Yet they feel justified because they have lived their lives “biblically” (more on that later).  I’ve actually removed some people (who profess to be Christians, no less) from my life because their hurtful words and actions against myself and others became too much.

Those are not the sorts of people I want my kids to emulate.

We’ve gotten to a point where, for a lot of Christians, sexual purity has become more important than treating others with respect.  Sadly, we’ve forgotten that the Bible has just as much (or more) to say about generosity, honesty, and using our words wisely.  Consider these verses

There are six things the Lord hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
       haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
        a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
       a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. (Proverbs 6:16-19)

and

Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat!”

Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’  But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:

 “‘These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
 They worship me in vain;
their teachings are merely human rules. ’”

Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.” (Matthew 15:1-11)

My husband and I are choosing to raise kids who know how to speak kindly to others, who know that telling the truth is wise, and whose hearts are focused on doing what is good.  We both believe that this is the starting point—placing others before themselves, rather than a list of all the things they aren’t supposed to do.  Out of that love for others, the rest will follow.

And that is far more important than which room and which bed they sleep in, or whether or not they see each other’s naked butts.