I was at my son’s school today and picked up a few packets of parent information.  Most of it was the typical stuff, a couple of recipe books, school news, that kind of thing.  There was also a newspaper-type thing.  This month’s issue was all about bullying.  Since I have a particular interest in the topic, I thought I’d check it out and see what it was.

The first page was all about some multi-page document outlining a full bullying-prevention program.  The rest was devoted to providing exercises and activities related to bullying, presumably for use in the classroom.

The first couple of sets of exercises were impressive.  There were several scenarios, with discussion questions throughout each situation.  Questions included the type of bullying and how the child might have been feeling.  Each scenario ended with the sentence, “It was not _____’s fault that s/he was bullied.”  There were also some great questions for kids about identifying their own feelings and using healthy responses to feelings.

Despite the outward appearance of being a great tool, I had some concerns about the material.  There was a list in the front of the magazine which outlined types of bullying and the degree of concern each deserved.  I had no problem with the lists, for the most part.  Obviously teasing, while mean-spirited, is not life-threatening; flashing a knife is.  However, I disagree that racism is the only potential hate crime.  I saw no mention of violence or threats based on gender or sexuality.  I realize this is a publication for elementary school students, but are the authors of the magazine that clueless?  Surely experts on bullying are aware that kids are already being singled out for harassment, even at such a young age.

My second concern was with material presented later on in the magazine.  While the authors were careful to point out that bullying is not the victim’s fault, they made it clear that the victim is (at least partially) responsible for ending it.  Now, I’m all for kids standing up for themselves.  But that can be hard to do, especially if you feel that there isn’t anyone on your side.  It’s easier to assert yourself in the company of friends who care about you.  But that won’t happen for a kid who feels that he or she has no one to support him or her.

We’ve come a long way from the days of assuming it’s entirely the victim’s fault.  But why, oh why, don’t we stop excusing the perpetrators?  It reminds me of all those seminars for women on how not to be victimized.  Yeah, that’s right, ladies–don’t wear “sexy” clothes, don’t drink booze, and make sure you say no loud and clear.  Huh, so it’s not the guy’s fault that he’s a jerk?  Kid, make a wisecrack when someone insults you and ignore what those kids are whispering about you.  Never mind the fact that no one has the right to be cruel to another person.  When are we going to stop making excuses and start holding kids accountable for harassing others?

In my experience, and that of many other kids, bullying doesn’t get better just because you’re assertive.  It doesn’t get better just because you tell an adult what’s happening, either.  For many kids, it continues to get worse.  And when kids take their own lives over it, parents are beginning to demand someone pay.

Why let it get to that point?  If we stop it, if we create a culture of respect, kids will treat one another accordingly.  This is what we need to expect in our schools.

Bullying is bad.

Well, there’s a way to start a post with an obvious statement.  But I think you know what I mean.

Today, my kid confessed that back when a kid was teasing him at school, this kid told him he should “just go kill yourself.”  Nice, huh?  I wonder where a seven-year-old learned that particular phrase.  Thankfully, this story has a happy ending, at least for now.  J is now friends with this boy.  I’ve met him; he’s not a bad kid.  He was polite, his mom is a sweetheart, and J has a great time playing with him.  It seems strange to think this is the kid who spent a month teasing J.  We were also fortunate that J’s teacher is good enough to spot bullying and didn’t tolerate it in his classroom.

Not all kids are so lucky.

This is the kind of thing that goes on every day, in classrooms all across the country.  And it’s not limited to classrooms or schools.  It happens on playgrounds and in other recreational settings.  I’ve had to tell my kids on more than one occasion that they should stay away from certain kids on the playground because they are teasing other kids.  My nephew has a couple of boys that live in his neighborhood and have picked on him in his own house.  It took months before the whole situation came to light because they were just sneaky enough to do it where the adults couldn’t hear.

Which is, of course, what most kids do.  They carry out their bullying in much more subtle ways than beating up another kid, and they do it where and when parents or teachers are not listening: Hallways, bathrooms, playgrounds; sly notes, whispers during lessons, even in a kid’s own bedroom, apparently.  I can remember being called names for years, and even when I told my teachers, they either didn’t believe me or brushed it aside as “kids will be kids.”  I was often told to toughen up or ignore the bullies.

These days, it’s also popular to sympathize with the bully.  It’s true, we need to love our enemies.  But often the victim is pushed aside in favor of offering “psychological help” to the perpetrators.  This may come partly from the mistaken idea that bullies all come from broken homes or have abusive parents.  While that is certainly true some of the time, it doesn’t explain everything.  Some kids are just mean to others regardless.  The kids who picked on me came from stable homes, for the most part.  Which only made it harder, actually, because it meant that I took it to heart that there must be something wrong with me if the “normal” kids said so.  In fact, I once had an adult suggest as much–that the other kids should be kinder to me even though I was “different.”  (I was never exactly clear on how I was different.)

And what about when the adults are the problem?  I’ve worked in schools and my husband is a teacher, so we’ve seen it happen.  A teacher develops a dislike for a certain student and creates tension for that child.  We’ve seen teachers discipline students over make-believe incidents.  I recall one student who had stomach aches for an entire year because he was convinced his teacher didn’t like him.  I tried to remain non-committal, but it was difficult, given that I knew for a fact that his teacher had expressed dislike for him.  I recall another student who was mocked by several teachers who all claimed it was “in good fun.”  I know some teachers who say rude things about the (lack of) intelligence of their students and who seem to have very little clue about developmental stages.

Sadly, it doesn’t go away as adults.  It concerns me when I see this kind of thing happening.  I have seen people publicly speak about how we need to be more patient and kind in out interactions with the world, such as showing patience with a slow clerk in the grocery store.  Five minutes later, the same person is refusing to associate with certain types of people during social time after worship.  Not everyone outgrows the stage where they see themselves as better than others.

There is no clear answer for this problem.  Sure, I could pull my kid out of school and go back to teaching him at home.  I will do that, if he’s ever bullied or harassed to the point of being miserable or not wanting to go to school.  But I’d rather that he have a good public education without being victimized.  Is that too much to ask?