Tag Archives: LGBT

“But we’re not all like that!”

Posted by Amy in LGBT Issues and tagged with ,

Straight Ally Flag

Not gonna lie, I’m sure I’ve said those exact words.  Or, more specifically, I’ve muttered them at my computer screen, whispered them to God late at night in bed, and thought them angrily in my head while listening to people preach.  Up until a couple of years ago, I didn’t dare speak them out loud, because to do so would mean to lose the people I hoped to help move toward change.

I admit, I’m not a huge fan of Dan Savage, but I credit him with saying something that made me take notice.  He said Christians should stop hiding behind “not all like that” (I’m paraphrasing here).  He specifically meant in regard to support of LGBTQI people, but I think it applies just about everywhere that -isms reside.  We can’t just sit silently or straddle fences; if we’re against oppression, then we need to do something about that.  (Honestly, I could just shorten that to “Fuck living in the tension.” If I never hear that phrase again, I will die happy.  It strikes me as a way of trying to have one’s cake and eat it, too.  Just be honest, dammit–if you’re truly anyone’s ally, spell it out; otherwise, keep your yap shut.)

Anyway, that’s not my point, really.  What I want to write about is the people who wear their “Not All Like That” gold star as a way of silencing people.  I’ve actually found, over the years I’ve been at this blogging thing, that Not All Like That is really code for, “I don’t approve, but I’m going to be nice anyway.”  These are not hidden allies who are scared to speak up; they’re people who still believe they have the right to treat people as issues to fight over.  More often than not, it’s people who are still stuck in an endless loop of “love the sinner, hate the sin” and “it’s the same as any other sin, like being a drunk” (heard that one more times than I can count at this point).  My personal favorite is, “Well, I’m wired to want to cheat on my wife; you’re wired to like people of the same sex–let’s both work on our issues.”  Yech.

An exchange between friends this morning prompted me to think about the ways in which some Christians continue to deny that there’s anything wrong because they aren’t participating in the worst of it.  There were some words traded back and forth about whether or not the Church has chosen to fixate on the wrong problems in the world.  I had a distinct impression of excusing religiously-based heterosexism because it’s not as bad as hate speech.

This is just an alternate form of “not all like that.”  I’m not sure where the idea comes from that the Church bears no responsibility for quite a lot of anti-gay obsession.  A number of prominent organizations and preachers have had pretty vile things to say about LGBTQI people, mostly in public.  There are still places one can go to be “cured” of the “homosexual lifestyle.”  Friends have expressed grief that they’ve been shamed–sometimes publicly–both for being LGBTQI and for being an ally.  It’s easy to see where the Church has gotten a reputation for spending more time and energy on fighting gay marriage than on resolving world hunger (or hell, even hunger in our own country).

At the same time, there’s this new wave of “moderate” Christians who want to distance themselves from what they perceive as the truly evil, while still maintaining a position in which they refuse to acknowledge people’s humanity.  A fellow blogger has pushed every. single. one of my buttons by continuing to act as some kind of spokesperson for the Church of Not All Like That.  She’s written on such cheery methods of “reconciliation” as hugging a gay person (at random? one we know personally? not sure here) and attending a gay pride parade for the purpose of observing the people there.  (Just a bit of advice: Please don’t do that.  Put that way, it dehumanizes people by making them sound like wild animals you’re visiting in their native habitat.)  I’ve seen similar sorts of things across my Twitter and Facebook feeds, and it drives me up the wall.

Listen.  I know you Not All Like That folks mean well; I really do.  But please trust me when I tell you that LGBTQI people and their allies do, in fact, know the difference between patronizing them and actually loving them.  Sometimes, when you have an established relationship, you can make this work.  God bless and more power to ya.  But when you are a random stranger on the Internet?  Don’t.  Just–don’t.  The words, “But I love you anyway” should not come out of your mouth or your keyboard.

It’s easy to say you’re going to love a LGBTQI person (or hug them or stare at them at Pride or write precious things about how you care for them even though you “disagree” with who they are).  I recommend against saying it, though.  It’s a lot more important that you do it.  Your LGBTQI friends and family don’t actually require your approval to be who they are, so telling them that you “love them anyway” is not likely to further that relationship.  That isn’t acknowledging anyone’s personhood, it’s making you feel better for trying hard not to be a jerk.

I’m kinda done with the whole fence-sitting thing; I have been for a long time.  I don’t bother trying to engage people in conversation so I can convince them to change their position.  I used to be willing to go there, but not anymore.  Honestly (and I apologize for this), I was making humans into issues.  There was a point at which I truly wanted everyone to stand on what I believed to be the “right” side.  What I want now is for people to just be honest.  I’m not interested in making space for anyone at my table–I want a whole new table where people don’t need to ask for space.  If don’t want to do that, then own it.  Don’t pretend you’re honoring the full humanity of others while still refusing them a seat.

Notable News: Week of March 16-22, 2013

Posted by Amy in Blogs, Cool Stuff, Links, News and tagged with , , ,

It’s been quite a week.  The big things have been the Steubenville case in the news and Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week on the blogs.  There’s been lots of other good stuff as well.  Here are some highlights:

1. On Steubenville

I don’t think I need to rehash the verdict.  What had me ready to reach through my computer screen and throttle people was the horrifying response.  First, the judge warned the teens about the use of social media.  Really? Social media is at fault here?  And also, nothing about “how you treat women who can’t consent to sex with you” was apparently not something he felt he needed to address; too busy admonishing them for their use of social media, I suppose.

When he sentenced the boys, Judge Thomas Lipps urged all those who had followed the case “to have discussions about how you talk to your friends, how you record things on the social media so prevalent today and how you conduct yourself when drinking is put upon you by your friends.”

Meanwhile, news outlets were also active in their campaign for worst response.  Fox, MSNBC, and CNN all ran the name of the victim.  I think CNN wins this round, though, for lamenting that the rapists’ lives were ruined by the guilty verdict:

“What’s the lasting effect though on two young men being found guilty juvenile court of rape essentially?” Crowley wondered.

“There’s always that moment of just — lives are destroyed,” Callan remarked. “But in terms of what happens now, the most severe thing with these young men is being labeled as registered sex offenders. That label is now placed on them by Ohio law.”

“That will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

As well it should, Candy Crowley.  As well it should.

Be sure to check out this excellent response from Christianity Today on rape and human dignity.

2. On spiritual abuse

The Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week link-up has been going on this week.  You can read everyone’s stories at the following pages:

Day 1: Hosted by Hannah Chellase at Wine and Marble

Day 2: Hosted by Joy Bennett at Joy in this Journey

Day 3: Hosted by Shaney Irene at Faith-Filled Thoughts from the Front Porch

If you can only read one of these, make it Shaney’s from today.  The topic is why we need to care about spiritual abuse.

Simultaneously, Elora Nicole has been posting about abuse all week, and Rachel Held Evans has been hosting a week-long series of guest posts and interviews about different kinds of abuse (and frequently the way they intersect).

If you have been spiritually abused and need a safe place to find hope and healing, I urge you to check out this web site.

3. On homophobia and progressive Christianity

One of the reasons that I identify as a progressive Christian but refuse to identify with the progressive Christian movement is that I don’t always find myself in alignment with other “progressives” in areas of importance to me–chiefly, feminism and LGBT issues–and how churches need to grow on those points.  (For example, I don’t think it’s right for old, white, heterosexual cis-men to sit around thinking up ways to “make room” at their table for people who are not old, white, heterosexual cis-men.)  I also find that progressives have this strange attitude that refusing to tolerate bigotry is somehow not in line with the goal of tolerance.

Anyway, for all of those reasons I was very interested in what Kristin Rawls, a fellow writer I follow on Twitter, had to say about her interview with folk singer Michelle Shocked.  It’s quite a read; I suggest you click the links in the article for some background on the situation.

Since the news of her antigay rant went viral, Shocked has issued a public mea culpa of sorts. It’s probably significant to note that 10 of 11 of the shows on her tour have been cancelled since. I read it as an unprincipled attempt to placate LGBT people -– note that she says she supports tolerance, not acceptance, and that she’s calling for LGBT people to tolerate the people who trample on our rights. Anyone acquainted with post-evangelical faux-progressive Christianity
has heard it all before.

4. On having fun with my words

A couple of weeks ago, I was tweeting about an evangelical novel I was reading that had some…interesting views on spiritual warfare.  One of my followers made an off-hand comment about the “royal family of Hell,” and it sparked something in me.  This week’s fiction on my other blog was inspired by that tweet.

The real reason for Lucifer’s disquiet was the fact that his daughter refused to tell him which demon she had ensnared. She had remained silent, and no amount of demanding, pleading, or wheedling would draw it out of her. It was both maddening and worrisome.

He suspected she had gotten herself involved with a junior demon far below her station as Princess of Hell and was appropriately ashamed to admit it.

Have a great weekend, folks!

 

Notable News: Week of March 1-8, 2013

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends and tagged with , , , , , , ,

It’s International Women’s Day!  How are you celebrating?

Here are some of the articles and posts I enjoyed this week.  Read them with your favorite woman.

1. On the importance of girls

This post is from more than a year ago, but Princess Free Zone shared it again today on Twitter.  It means just as much now as it did then.

Sadly, around the world, girls are undervalued, underestimated, uneducated, used, abused, and ignored. Research shows that the plight of girls is directly linked to many of the world’s problems like hunger, economic disparity, and disease. Inevitably, helping girls and women in various ways can have a tremendously positive impact; one way to do this is through efforts to improve education.

2. On body image

I linked to this post by Jennifer Luitwieler in my own post yesterday, but here it is again in case you missed it.

When we hang so many hopes on one thing, one arbitrary, deeply powerful thing, expecting untold happiness from attaining the holy grail of physical perfection, we will be disappointed. Our bodies may look different, we may feel like we look amazing. But it won’t change our circumstances. It won’t make someone love us better or our families not be weird. Being skinny will not make us also rich or flawless.

Being skinny is not everything.

3. On the Jesus bridge

Reading this fantastic post by Addie Zierman, I found myself nodding in agreement.  I, too, have had negative experiences with Christian “counselors” who offer pat answers about just needing Jesus.  I, too, have listened to the testimonies of people who leave the impression that their lives did a rapid 180 rather than the truth of a slower turn.

Instead of looking into my eyes and seeing that I was fighting to hang on, she assumed that my doubt and pain and struggle was symptomatic . She assumed it pointed to a faith that had never been there, and so she sent me back to the beginning to take a first step toward God.

But the truth was that it wasn’t a broken faith at all. Just the normal middle of things.

4. On being an angry feminist

I love this excellent response from Sam Ambreen to yet another shameful post over at Good Men Project.  Not surprising that GMP has included a woman stroking the egos of the “nice guys,” unfortunately.

I have every right to hold patriarchy responsible for the ways in which it controls women. Unfortunately the patriarchy is mostly made up of men. I am angry but there is love in my life. It surrounds me and supports me. Anger at the patriarchy is one of my redeemable features and shock horror; there are men that get why! And totally dig it.

5. On “good” racists

I constantly have to check myself because I know that as a person with privilege, I’m in danger of ignoring that privilege.  I don’t want to be the “good racist” in this post who refuses to believe that such things exist.

The idea that racism lives in the heart of particularly evil individuals, as opposed to the heart of a democratic society, is reinforcing to anyone who might, from time to time, find their tongue sprinting ahead of their discretion. We can forgive Whitaker’s assailant. Much harder to forgive is all that makes Whitaker stand out in the first place. New York is a city, like most in America, that bears the scars of redlining, blockbusting and urban renewal. The ghost of those policies haunts us in a wealth gap between blacks and whites that has actually gotten worse over the past 20 years.

6. On making Satan proud

This is an incredibly heartbreaking story that should remind us just how important it is to make sure that we are holding churches, pastors, and leaders accountable not only for their own abuse of congregants but for their failure to take action when it’s warranted.  Of course we want churches to be places filled with grace; but not at the expense of terrified 14-year-old girls.  John Shore explains why he posted this:

I’m running this comment as a post for two reasons. The first is because if I have learned anything in this world, it’s that people—particularly if they’re trying to communicate an injustice visited upon themselves or anyone else—need to be heard. When you’ve been traumatized an affirmation of your trauma by others can spell the difference between salvation and desolation. I have no idea who has or hasn’t read this girl’s story. But having read it myself robbed me of any excuse for not making at least some effort to ensure that more people read it.

7. On speaking about spirtual abuse

Dianna Anderson writes a great response to Matt Appling (of The Church of No People) regarding his series of posts on spiritual abuse.  As she rightly points out, co-opting the term is inappropriate and diminishes the suffering of those who have been abused by people in spiritual authority.

Appling suffers from a common malady that afflicts a lot of white male evangelicals – not bothering to research the actual definition of the terms they’re using, and predicating entire ideas on a misunderstood definition.

8. On God-centered shame

Elora Nicole’s post on how words mean things delves into the worrisome teaching that shame is godly because it leads to repentance.  When we make words mean what they don’t mean, even ancient words in foreign languages, we risk presenting a false gospel that isn’t filled with grace.

“I still don’t see how they relate.” I said. “Grief is not shame. Sorrow is not shame. When I feel shame, I believe lies. Grief and sorrow are healthy emotions. Shame is not. Shame is negative. Shame speaks lies.”

9. On environmental impact on sexuality

I get fairly sick of hearing about how one’s childhood experiences must have “turned them gay.”  I’ve found that the people who say that must not know a lot of gay people.  Or a lot of people in general, actually.  I don’t really know if I think that this particular cartoon by Naked Pastor is necessarily logical, but it did make me smile and wish I could say this to anyone who thinks they can explain why someone is gay.

I’m okay with theories. If they work. When they no longer work it’s time to dispense with them. The number of theories out there attempting to explain away the vast array of orientations out there are just that: an attempt to invalidate them.

10. On my fiction blog

This week’s story is about unresolved sexual tension.  Kind of.

Whatever it was, Kay found nearly everything about Devon maddening. She disliked his booming laugh, his boastful reenactments of his weekend activities, and his assertions that the team would fall apart without him. She even disliked his obnoxious printed ties—even if she did have to admit they suited him. Kay’s least favorite thing about Devon was the fact that he always looked good, no matter how horrid his ties.

Have a great weekend, everyone.  Go celebrate a woman you love!

Notable News: Week of January 5-11, 2013

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends and tagged with , , , , , , ,

Howdy, all!  Here is my first Notable News of 2013.  Lots of good stuff this week.  Enjoy!

1. The best post I’ve read all week

Dani Kelley writes with aching honesty about herself and her body image.  This is a must-read for absolutely every person who has ever struggled.  Okay, this one is actually from last week.  But since I didn’t do a Notable News, I get a pass on not highlighting it until now.  You all, on the other hand, have no excuse for not going and reading it this very minute.

2. Beauty and Hate

Seth Haines also delivers a big dose of honesty in his post about riding the bus, the beauty of kindness, and the ugliness of hate.

3. Meghan O’Keefe on victim blaming

In the ongoing discussion surrounding the rape of an Ohio teen, Ms. O’Keefe gives an articulate summary of what is wrong when people engage en masse in shaming the victim of assault.  The best line from this post is,

Men and women alike can not excuse rapists behavior because the victim was “asking for it” because being raped literally means the victim was not asking for it.

It’s too bad we have the need for people like Ms. O’Keefe to write these words.

4. While we’re on the subject of victim blaming…

It starts early, this trend of blaming victims for what happens to them.  This dreadful “study” that reveals that bullied kids have social issues is probably one of the worst pieces of crap and victim blaming on a non-rape subject.  The recommendation seems to be to get bullied kids to act “normal” rather than making sure that the bullies learn how not to victimize kids that seem different to them.  I don’t know, I kinda think that if we made sure that “socially awkward” kids felt safe, they might not need special lessons on their behavior.

5. John Piper comes across as an ass

Sigh.  Just when I thought we might be making some progress, Piper has to open his mouth again in a bizarre and misguided attempt to clarify something stupid he said 4 years ago.  Unsurprisingly, he didn’t make it better.  But don’t take my word for it.  Read this piece by Dianna Anderson and this one by Sarah Moon (who includes a link to the video).

6. Two excellent pieces on transphobia

I will admit my privilege here: I didn’t know that Suzanne Moore had made these remarks.  Obviously, not only are these two posts informative, they remind me that I need to make sure that I’m aware of both the way I use language myself and the ways that often-ignored people have language used against them.

7. A great response to what horrifies us

In the wake of the tragic gang rape and death of the woman in India, this post is an excellent outpouring of the rage and grief we feel over human suffering.

8. A step forward in reconciliation

If it were up to me, there wouldn’t even be a debate anymore.  LGBT people would be fully included in the life of every church, without any expectation that they would either remain celibate or change their orientation.  I know that’s a long way off, though, so whenever I see movement in the right direction, I am hopeful.  If you haven’t read it, take a look at this honest, generous post by Sammy Adebiyi.  Then go read this one by Registered Runaway.  I dare you to make it through without coming face-to-face with what grace really is.

9. Another honest story

For another perspective related to the above, read this beautiful piece by My Silent Half.  If we could listen to each other, we might be able to move beyond debate and into grace.  It’s going to take a lot of this kind of personal reflection for us to really hear what’s being said.  Are you open?

That’s it, folks.  Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side.

Notable News: Week of November 10-16, 2012

Posted by Amy in Blogs, Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Here we are, the end of another week.  We’ve had our ups and downs here, but we’ve made it to the weekend!  Tomorrow, I get to play my violin with some of the best people around—not to mention getting to play some great music!  It’s our pops concert, and the theme is movie music.  We’ll be playing selections from Superman, The Magnificent Seven, Sense and Sensibility, Catch Me if You Can, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and (of course) Star Wars.  If you’re in my area and you want to come out, please do!  I’d love to see you there at 7:30 Saturday night (you can buy tickets at the door for $9 or call the RWC box office).

Now for this weeks great blog posts:

1. No confirmation for you!

In this week’s edition of Does This Really Surprise Anyone, we learn that Minnesota teen Lennon Cihak won’t be confirmed by the Catholic Church for his support of marriage equality.  It’s actually not entirely clear if this is the case, as the priest in question has denied the allegation.  Honestly, I wish people would stop acting like it’s only the Catholic Church that does this sort of thing.  I mean, I’m not naming any names, but I know plenty of Catholics who support marriage equality and at least a few gay Catholics.  I’m aware of more than one local parish that embraces LGBT people.  Conservative evangelical protestants, on the other hand…well.  You all saw my post last week after the election, right?  Maybe I’ll start that online form to pray for my soul after all.

2. More awesome from Dianna Anderson

Man, I cannot wait until her book is published.  No pressure, Dianna!  I just have to say that in the realm of Christian feminism, she is in top form.  If you’re not subscribed to her blog, you should be.  Here are two good posts from this week: Friends with Kids, Love Stories, and Rape Culture and The Magical Mystery of Marriage.  For the first post, thanks, Dianna, for taking one for the team and watching that movie so I don’t have to.  Now I’m spreading the word so that my friends don’t waste their time and money either.  As for the second post, I’m glad someone is standing up and saying that marriage is not the answer to unhealthy sexuality, nor does it automatically make sex healthy.  I think what I like best about this post is that Dianna doesn’t offer pat answers; she calls for a conversation in which we lay aside labels.  Count me in!

3. Kill the Gays

Yeah, it passed.  That wasn’t a surprise.  Disappointing, but not shocking.  What saddens me is that some people will read this and shrug; others will be outright in support of it.  A few will probably misunderstand entirely.  I don’t have any words for this; all I can do is keep praying.

4. Twilight and Perpetual Girlhood

This is a great post about one of the things that bothered me as I read Twilight.  Now, I did enjoy the books as kind of light fare; however, I do recognize the problematic (I really hate that word, but it does apply here) elements.  Bella’s desire to remain ageless is one of them.  Sorry, folks, we normal people eventually get old.  My hair is already run through with a bit of gray.  But I don’t color it, because in my opinion, it’s natural.  What isn’t natural is to want to appear twenty for the rest of my life.  (I don’t lie about my age, either, even though some of my peers already do—and we’re hardly old!)  This article falls apart a bit at the end, but it’s still worth the read.

5. Addicted to (Controlling) Love

Thank you, Emily Maynard, for saying what I’ve been trying to say, but using fewer (and better) words.  Our bodies are not objects for male consumption, and we are not responsible for what men do.  This post, too, is a good explanation of men continuously imposing themselves on the way we dress—we must be either vixens or virgins, but not of our own free will.  I think we women need to apply these arguments to women’s health care, birth control, and abortion as well as clothing/modesty.

7. On being non-essential

I can’t express enough how much I love this post by Pam Hogeweide.  She puts it so well when she explains why we women can’t just leave the church if we’re unhappy with our position.  She also brings up something I’d never thought of: that women in leadership is usually reduced to the status of “non-essential” doctrine; that is, it has no direct bearing on our salvation.  Until reading this post, I had always felt that way myself—it doesn’t matter if a particular church rejects women as pastors, because it’s not really essential.  I can now understand the nagging feeling I always had about that, though.  Unlike the inanimate elements of communion or the inanimate practice of spiritual gifts, women are actual people; we are not “non-essentials.”  Well said, Pam!

8. Talk about “I have no idea what I feel about this”

So it turns out that Kevin Clash, voice of Elmo, is gay.  So what?  I’m sure some parents will be upset, but I’m not sure that makes much sense.  Bert and Ernie have more gay overtones than Elmo (yes, I know they’re only roommates; don’t get your panties in a bunch).  I don’t see Sesame Workshop developing any storylines where Elmo gets a gay crush or anything.  The real issue turns out to be whether or not Clash had a relationship with a minor.  Now, I’ve seen people arguing on both sides, and I’d like to tell you all to please let someone other than the media sort this one out.  Clash is on a break from Sesame Street, so chill out.  Also, could we stop seeing more “blame the victim” crap all over the place?  Yeah, the alleged victim recanted.  We don’t know why.  And his criminal record has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on whether or not Clash took advantage of him.  So no jumping to conclusions until the actual people involved get it sorted, okay?  Good.

What a week!  Lots of good stuff.  Hope you have a great weekend!  I’m off til Monday, picking back up with some more Fifty Shades goodness badness.  See you then!

Notable News, week of July 21-27, 2012

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, Links and tagged with , , ,

Lots of great stuff from around the web today.  Enjoy!

1. Rachel Held Evans and her husband, Dan

Ever wonder what love looks like?  Read this post and tell me you don’t just want to cheer.  (Although if you want to read something that is as disturbing as the original post is wonderful, try this from the comments on the post.)

2. Mal Green’s first post on Red Letter Christians

It saddens me that this post didn’t get more loving responses.  I think he’s hit the nail on the head.  Many thanks to Mal for standing up and speaking his mind, despite such negative feedback.  And props to RLC for publishing it, despite the negative feedback.

3. Dianna Anderson on douchebags

Dianna is one of my favorite writers.  She doesn’t just say, “This is wrong.”  She urges real change.  This time out is no exception.  She reminds us all to

stand up and say, “Hey . . . That was kind of douchey.”

4. Reading: Healing for the soul

Sarah Bessey is running a synchroblog on what is saving us right now.  In response, Caris Adel has written a piece that echoes what I often feel, that reading saves us from the chaos of everyday life.  Not only is she absolutely right, but I now have another book to add to my ever-expanding “to read” list.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

Notable News: Week of June 23-29, 2012

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, News and tagged with , ,

Good stuff this week!  Follow-up to the bullying incident from last week; a great blog post from a friend; and more good stuff from Rachel Held Evans.  Enjoy!

1. People respond to the bullying in a loving way that shows care and concern for everyone.

Yeah, I really love my friends.  This is just one example of why I feel so blessed by the people in my life.  If something happens to my kids, or if they do something stupid, this is a family I know has my back.  They’re on at about 1:20.

2. Response to my musings on the “sex is bad” thing.

A friend left this wonderful blog post in the comments section and I want to be sure others have the chance to see it.  I love the generous, open, caring way she highlights the problem.  Be sure to read both this one and the one she links to in the text.

3. Coming Out Christian

Check out this terrific guest post on Rachel Held Evans’ blog.  I’ve been saying for a long time that we need to hear each other’s stories in a safe place.  We do need to listen and we do need to keep our hearts open.

Vacation here I come!

What to do…what to do…

Posted by Amy in LGBT Issues, Women and tagged with ,

I am fully convinced that a lot of Christians have no idea what to do with lesbians.

No, really.

Every time I hear a sermon or message or read something that came out of a church publication, it’s always about what “caused” men to “turn gay.”  It’s all about having an overbearing mother, or daddy issues, or having been sexually abused, or whatever.  It’s also usually followed by some ranting which involves the typical stereotypes of gay men.  Nothing about lesbians, though.

So I wondered: Do these people even know any lesbians?

The only thing I ever hear about gay women is usually something along the lines of needing the right man to come along.  By that logic, I could become a lesbian if the right woman came along.  Well, as much as I’m sure that I’m God’s gift to lesbians everywhere*, that’s just not going to happen.

I can relate.  I used to be one of those people.  But at some point, I started to think that it didn’t make a whole lot of sense.  If having an “overbearing” mother turns men gay, then does the opposite work on women?  Or does the helicopter mother cause some weird desire in women to be dominated by another woman?  How come the absentee daddy thing makes men want each other, but makes women hate men**?  I kept thinking I must be missing something.

What’s missing is that this is all from the vantage point of straight men.  Of course I can’t relate to it or understand it.  All this time, I thought maybe it had to do with not knowing enough gay people, not knowing enough real stories of people’s histories and experiences.  But I’m pretty sure that’s not it.

Whoever started all the “theories” was/is threatened by gay men.  I’m not saying everyone who repeats the stupidity is feeling threatened (though it wouldn’t surprise me).  But the person or people who came up with those ideas in the first place almost certainly was.

It hasn’t escaped my notice that some men seem to have an unnatural fear that their masculinity is at risk somehow.  The reason that lesbians don’t fit into that narrow mindset is that they aren’t perceived as a threat.  After all, they must just need a man to change their minds.  (Not to mention how often two women getting it on is featured in erotica for men.)  The reason women aren’t bothered is that we don’t see our femininity as being in danger because another woman wants to wear flannel or eschew make-up or sleep with other women.

If I’m honest, I suspect that the reason this stuff gets recycled by the church is not because of a need for hypermasculinity.  It’s because many people want a social reason to back up what they read in Scripture.  Many Christians feel like they are fighting a losing battle, holding onto a belief in the sinfulness of homosexuality in a world perceived as embracing it.  So the need to defend the position grows, and the need to have reasons beyond the Bible with it.  This is especially true given the number of young people coming out, and the age at which many people discover their sexual orientation.  If Christians can reach into the family atmosphere to explain things, then they can prove it’s not innate.

Repeating unproven theories developed by men with an emasculation complex isn’t useful.  Reciting tired bullet points from other people’s sermons effectively stops the dialogue.  It’s a great way to put our fingers in our ears and sing, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you” when LGBT folks try to speak.  It’s also a good way to deny the existence or needs of gay women.  We need to do a lot more listening and a lot less theorizing.

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*I hope everyone knows I’m kidding.
**I don’t actually know any lesbians who hate men.

Posted by Amy in LGBT Issues and tagged with ,

Recently, Jay Bakker posted this on Facebook:

 

 

 

 

I don’t mean to make light of a serious issue, but this is more complicated than he makes it sound.

We are living in challenging times.  We are all doing our best to navigate these waters.  At this point, even within denominations there is disagreement on the involvement of LGBT congregants.  It leaves some of us reeling, unsure what our personal responsibility should be.

Jay Bakker is right.  If we want to know, we need to be willing to ask.  We need to be open to the answer, even if it isn’t what we wanted to hear.

And while we’re at it, we need to ask ourselves: How would my non-white friends feel if I chose to worship at a church that discouraged worshiping together?  How does it feel, as a woman, to worship at a church where women do not have equal status in leadership?

My LGBT friends and family know me, and this is something we’ve talked about.  They know my heart and why I choose to belong to my church.  They know what it would take to change that.  Do yours?

Standing Firm against Discrimination

Posted by Amy in LGBT Issues and tagged with

A few days ago, I was talking with someone about a negative experience she had.  I won’t go into detail, but she had gone to see a mental health practitioner for an evaluation.  She showed me the report he had written, because she was upset that he hadn’t taken her concerns seriously.  I noticed that too, that he had apparently dismissed her without really trying.  But that’s not what jumped out at me and made me want to go down there and give him a piece of my mind.

It looked to me, from what he had written, that he had been biased because she’s a lesbian.

Anyone who has faced discrimination of some sort will be able to relate.  It’s subtle, most people wouldn’t have noticed.  In fact, people who have never been in such a situation would probably wave it away, saying it didn’t really happen.

But it did.

The place she went has a written non-discrimination policy.  I’m glad they do, but there’s one problem.  The burden of proof is always on the one who believes she was wronged.  No big deal, if the discrimination is overt.  If he had called her a name, or said he wouldn’t evaluate or treat her because of her sexuality, that would have been a no-brainer.  But prejudice is often more subtle.

We think of the caricature of the fire-and-brimstone preacher telling his congregants about the unfortunate fate of those ho-mo-SECK-suals (I know you are imagining the prissy way they say it).  We see the bigots of Westboro Baptist with their picket signs.  We hear about the pastor’s son who was assaulted on church property.  And then we think, “But I’m not like that.  We’re not all like that.“

Except we are.

That subtle prejudice is evident whenever we claim we can pinpoint the “cause” of being gay.  It’s evident when we needle men for failing to be “masculine” enough.  It’s there when we bar even a celibate gay person from church leadership.  And it’s there when we don’t stand up to bullies like the perpetrators of the above overt homophobia.

I saw this video in my Twitter feed this morning, and I have to admit, it got to me.  I’m not a huge fan of Dan Savage, but I think he got this one right.  (Be forewarned, there is swearing in this video.)

 

Come on, Church.  Be the church.  Stand up for people.  Why is it that we’re all for war if it’s against someone we think we don’t like?  If we can go into battle for the not-yet-born, then surely we can do it for those who already walk this Earth.  It’s time to stop letting the bullies get away with this, both overt and covert.  I’m in; who’s with me?