Tag Archives: Parenting

Notable News: Week of May 25-31, 2013

Posted by Amy in Cool Stuff, Links, News and tagged with , , , , , ,

It’s a gorgeous, hot, sunny day here where I am. Today, my 9-year-old takes part in his first big competition.  He’s going with his jazz band to a school about an hour away where they will compete against middle and high schoolers (his is the only elementary band, so they’re in the middle school category).  Best of luck, kiddo!

While I pass the hours until my daughter and I drive out to watch him, I’m rounding up some of my favorite links for the week.

1. When modesty policing happens

Modesty culture: the gift that keeps giving.  Or, in this case, that keeps pitting us against one another as we struggle to define terms and create safer space for women.  I will admit to going into my reading of this piece on Rage Against the Minivan knowing that many of the writers I respect disliked it.  I was surprised to find that I actually agreed with quite a lot of it, but there were niggling doubts in my mind.  The responses to it confirmed that it wasn’t my imagination.  Several people have expressed their concerns far better than I could.  Here’s a list of the best ones:

2. When “ask Rachel Held Evans” happens

For those who haven’t been following her, she has a regular “Ask a…” series.  This time, she’s left it open for us to ask her.  Go take a look and post your questions.

3. When kindness happens

I haven’t been following the story, but apparently others have.  Over on Hännah’s blog she’s been tracking the story of her friend’s escape from a controlling, abusive, fundamentalist environment.  She had requested donations to help Jennifer, and the response was overwhelming.  I hope you have a few minutes to read the original posts and the update.  It’s pretty inspiring.

4. When affirmation happens

I happen to attend a welcoming/affirming church.  Sometimes, that’s what’s needed.  I challenge you to make it through this post from Registered Runaway without feeling moved.

5. When fatherhood happens

This is a fantastic post about why it’s a terrible idea to label women the “natural nurturers.”  When our son was born, I remember one of the women at the church we attended telling me that she hated when people referred to dads as “babysitting” their children.  Although I would not have thought to use that phrase myself, I had never given it much consideration.  After nearly 10 years of parenting together, I can confirm the truth in that.  My husband is, in fact, much more naturally nurturing than I am.  And he most definitely does not “babysit” our kids–he parents them.

6. When “things that should never be combined” happens

You get something like this.  (Warning: Contains Christianese and reference to Christian porn.  Not explicit, but read it after any minors are in bed.  Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s not real.)

7. When fiction happens

If you haven’t been reading the series “On the Night Bus“ over at Rubies and Duels, go do so right now.

You can also read my own latest fiction, The Smokin’ Hot Wives Club.

That’s it for this week.  I hope you all have a great weekend.  I’m going to spend mine watching my kids perform in their first recital at this dance studio.  I’ll be back on Monday with my usual Fifty Shades post.  Catch you all later!

Parenting Pride: What’s in Our Hearts?

Posted by Amy in Parenting and tagged with , ,

Last night, I read this blog post about bragging.  I should start out by saying that I really like Glennon, the author of this blog.  But I strongly disagree with her thoughts on this one topic.

This quote sums up Glennon’s position on parents talking about their kids’ accomplishments:

. . . Craig and I have a steadfast rule – no bragging to anyone except each other or the grandparents. We used to allow ourselves to brag to our sisters, but now that they have kids, they’re off limits too.

Basically, our rule means that we keep our mouths shut in public and then we talk in bed about how our kids are better than anyone else’s kids in the whole entire world.

Glennon states her reasons for this as being twofold: Separating unconditional love from pride in accomplishment; respect for other parents.  These are noble intentions, but I don’t agree that this is the only way to handle those things.

First, she’s absolutely right that pride and love can end up confused.  However, our children still need to hear words of praise.  I grew up with very little of that.  I knew my parents loved me, but I never knew if they thought I was doing a good job.  When I came home from college my second semester, having scored excellent grades, my father told me that I had done better than he had his first year of college—but that his major was harder than mine.  It was a slap in the face; I had worked hard and achieved something I was proud of, but I still couldn’t expect so much as a “Well done!” and have it left at that.  When my father tells me that he is “proud” of me now, I have a hard time believing it.  He lives hundreds of miles away, has never met my daughter, and in fact has no idea whatsoever what I’m doing these days.

Expressing pride in our kids’ accomplishments can be taken too far, and they may learn to associate love with pride.  But a well-placed compliment about the hard work we’ve seen them do can be significant.  When our kids have poured themselves into something, heart and soul, we have no problem telling them we’re proud of them.  When they’ve succeeded at a task, we honor that.  We also make sure that we tell them, every day in multiple ways, that we love them.  We show them, we say, “I love you,” we deliver affection.  I don’t think that congratulating them on their report cards or dance performances is going to cause them to think we only love them when they do something big.

Second, I have no problem with friends who “brag” about their kids on Facebook and Twitter.  I personally don’t put anything up about report cards, but I have no problem with friends who do.  I love hearing about the things my friends’ kids are doing.  I watch the videos of the piano recitals, I check out the photos from the dance recitals, I hit “like” when a friend’s kid wins the Pinewood Derby.  I’m secure in my parenting and I’m proud of the things my kids do, which allows me to celebrate other people’s kids.  Sure, I’ve seen parents who don’t handle this very well.  There is no question that insecurity often leads to parents who make sure everyone knows their kids are better than everyone else.  We’ve all seen the parent who asks for “advice” about their “genius” toddler or the person who never puts anything on Facebook except a lot of pictures of their kids’ awards.  But those people are rare, and I remind myself that they probably do these things out of a fear that their kids might not be as good as everyone else’s.

Third, I disagree with Glennon’s perspective that we need to refrain from talking about our kids’ accomplishments out of respect for others.  She probably doesn’t mean it this way, but when she says,

And every time I see someone post about their child’s seven goals, I think about my mama friends at home, struggling with their children who have Lyme, or PANDAS, or cerebral palsy, whose kids have a hard time making it up the stairs much less up and down a soccer field.

there is an implication that parents whose kids have Lyme or PANDAS or cerebral palsy have kids who don’t accomplish anything.  This idea that somehow one kid being good at soccer takes away from another who isn’t is not only nonsense but hurtful nonsense.  I have many friends with special needs kids.  Believe me, there is a lot to celebrate, honor, and be proud of.  And what about families with one child who is physically and academically capable and one who isn’t?  Should those parents refuse to congratulate their child on her accomplishments because her sister might “feel bad”?

I’m sure she didn’t mean to be, but that last bit was self-righteous.  Implied in those words was the idea that she, and only she, understands how hard it is for parents with kids who have special needs or learning disabilities.  She isn’t looking at it from the perspective of a parent who is actually in that situation.  I have a child with ADHD.  It may not be physically debilitating, but it’s not easy to manage.  Do I wish that he could be like every other kid?  Sure, sometimes.  Will it keep him from doing some of the things other parents brag about?  Yes, definitely.  But I wouldn’t change a thing, and I would never tell another mom that she shouldn’t tell the world about her kid because mine is struggling.

I think this boils down to a basic personality difference.  Glennon’s life experiences are her own, and my life experiences are my own. She is free to do as she likes.  My suggestion would be that if she is bothered by reading parent brags, she should consider not reading them.  I hope my friends don’t stop telling me about what their kids are doing, because I’m still listening.

As for what we say when we talk about our kids, we should think carefully about what’s in our hearts.  If we’re putting up a Facebook update about something our kids do, it should not be in order to boost our own egos or to cut down others.  We should imagine how it will sound to others.  Does it sound like we’re saying our kids are better than everyone else?  Are we disguising bragging through asking for “advice”?  Have we made it sound as though we’re merely relieved our kids aren’t turning out to be delinquents?  What’s in our hearts when we share is just as important as what’s in our hearts when we tell our kids we’re proud of them.  Other people should know how much we love our kids and that our love isn’t dependent on grades, awards, and goals scored.

Motherhood: A Visual

Posted by Amy in Parenting and tagged with ,

Saw this on some friends’ Facebook pages:

Let’s break this down by picture, shall we?

1. My friends who don’t have kids sometimes don’t understand why I want to stay home.  But they have never, ever imagined that my home is a war zone.  They know me and they know my kids.

2. My mother is no longer living.  However, I am sure she would not have imagined me as a June Cleaver wannabe.  She was a stay-at-home mom herself, so I’m sure she knows the realities.  My mother-in-law, who is around the age my mother would have been, was not a stay-at-home mom.  As far as I know, she doesn’t imagine me enjoying housework.  Or wearing that to do it in.

3. I can guarantee with 100% certainty that my husband does not believe I watch television all day.  I’m glad I married him.

4. What, exactly, does being a stay-at-home mom have to do with co-sleeping?  I know plenty of families, with all sorts of work/stay home configurations, in which co-sleeping was part of parenting.  I doubt that “society” associates the two.  Also, those kids look pretty happy to me.  If society thinks that staying home with the kids is one way to create a loving, happy family, then I’m not complaining.

5. I have no delusions of grandeur.

6. Aaaaand…nope.  My days are, and always have been, a lot more boring than that.  My eight-year-old multitasks better than I do.  Huh, I guess according to that, he’s going to make one heck of a stay-at-home mom.

Sticks and Stones

Posted by Amy in Bullying, Parenting, Politics and tagged with , ,

Yesterday, I was peacefully sitting in Dunkin Donuts, sipping my coffee and doing some writing  (working on yesterday’s blog post and fooling around with some character development for a short story) while waiting for my daughter’s dance class to finish.  I had the misfortune of having my quiet morning interrupted by two men discussing their political views.

I use the term “discussing” loosely.  It was closer to one of the men exploding, while the other sat silently (except for the incessant ringing of his phone).  I was mostly able to tune it out, until the one man said, loud enough for all of Dunkin Donuts to hear, “Anyone they put up has a chance to finally get that a**hole out of there.”  Having heard the rest of the conversation, I was already aware that the “a**hole” to whom he was referring was President Obama.  He followed by offering his opinions on the best candidates, emphasizing that the few women he mentioned were, in some way, either too stupid or too weak for the job.

I found myself, besides just feeling irritated that I had to be in earshot of the conversation, upset by the tone.  It’s true, I don’t always agree with whatever those in government say or do.  But to resort to name-calling?  That doesn’t help anyone.

When we resort to name-calling, we reduce people to no more than the things about them we dislike.  We separate ourselves from them by reminding ourselves that we are not those things.  It makes it easier to fuel hate and anger when we are able to think about someone else as less.  Not only that, we justify ourselves.  We tell ourselves that it’s okay to call someone an a**hole if he’s acting like one (or, at least, what we think one acts like).  And let’s be clear on this, Christians are no better about this than anyone else.  Sometimes, we’re worse.

It’s no wonder that our children call each other names at school.  It’s no wonder that our youth are depressed enough to commit violent acts against themselves and others.  When we, the adults, cannot set a better example, then what hope have we?  We can institute anti-bullying rules, campaign against name-calling, and even blame the victims.  None of it does any good if our children are hearing us dehumanize others.

One thing we need to keep in mind is that no matter a person’s behavior, he or she is still a person.  That carries with it the necessary understanding that even “a**holes” are created in the image of G-d and loved by the G-d who became flesh and died for us.  We can still dislike things a person does; but we must separate that from who the person is and teach our children to do the same.

Nurture

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Sexuality and tagged with ,

I’m not exactly sure why this was on my mind today.  Maybe it’s because our state just legalized same-sex marriage, and I’m considering the future that my kids’ generation has ahead.  Maybe it’s the venom with which I’ve heard people talking about it and the push to attend protests.  I don’t know.  Whatever it is, I began thinking about the way in which people like to categorize, stereotype, and affix blame when it comes to homosexuality.

Let’s fast-forward and imagine we’ve woken up with my kids being teenagers.  If you (and by “you,” I don’t mean all of my friends; but you know who you are) found out that my daughter was a lesbian, you might have a lot of reactions to that.  You might feel sorry for me.  You might say “tsk” and shake your head at my wayward daughter.  You might try to reassure me that it’s just a phase, or that girls sometimes like to “experiment” and that she’ll out grow it.  You might offer to pray for me.

The one thing you wouldn’t do is blame me.

In part, that’s because my daughter isn’t a “gay stereotype.”  She is hardly the tomboy, aggressive, unfeminine kind of girl people might imagine when they think of lesbians.  My daughter is a girlie girl.  She is bubbly and feminine (although she is outspoken).  Almost all of her toys can be found in the “girls” section of Toys R Us.  Even when she wears her brother’s outgrown clothes, she has to decorate them with something pink or purple.  She would rather wear dresses than pants (which is a source of annoyance int the winter, as she hates tights).  Although she’s not interested in dolls, she loves to be mommy to her stuffed animal friends and dress them up in doll clothes.  Because of preconceived notions about gender and sex, it would probably come as  big surprise if she came out.

I wouldn’t be so lucky if it were my son.

How do I know this?  Because it’s a message I’ve heard over and over.  Because my son doesn’t fit the socially accepted norms for “real” male behavior.  Because my husband and I have allowed or even encouraged him to participate in activities that some people think are not appropriate.

Time and again I’ve had to listen to people say that if a boy grows up and “turns gay,” it’s because his parents got something wrong.  Most often, it’s that he’s a mommy’s boy with a “helicopter” or overbearing mother and an absentee or abusive father.  When that reason doesn’t fit, then it becomes about the parents failing to push their son toward appropriately manly activities, such as sports, cars, tools, and Star Wars.  Not to mention the horrors of letting him play with a doll!

I read a line in a book the other day, something about a kid “dancing to music of his own soundtrack” (I don’t have it exactly right, but that’s the gist).  That describes my kid.  He is the kind of boy who likes what he likes and cares very little if other boys (or girls, even) agree.  J is the kind of boy who likes to paint his toenails red and spike his hair with blue gel; write for hours in his notebook; build pretend roller coasters out of Hot Wheels track; draw comics about the Adventures of Soy Bean; play Polly Pockets with his sister and her friends; and yes, dance to his own soundtrack.  He isn’t into sports, doesn’t much like play fighting, and cares very little for Star Wars.  And no, not one of those things about him is an indication that he will someday be gay.

Yet if he were, there are plenty of people who would point right back to his childhood and accuse us of being responsible on account of our parenting.

We allow our daughter to be exactly who she is.  If it were up to me, I would push her to play soccer and make her wear pants all winter.  I simply don’t get the whole dress thing, since I would rather wear almost anything else.  In the same way, we are allowing our son to express himself.  We don’t force him to take dance, he enjoys it, is good at it, and asks every year to continue.  How is that any different from what we do with our daughter?

All I want is for my kids to grow up to be who they were meant to be, without the intrusion of unwelcome gender norming.

Mother’s Day

Posted by Amy in Parenting and tagged with

In the several years I’ve been a mom, I can’t remember a Mother’s Day I enjoyed more.  We spent the day together as a family.  First, we went to church.  J was selected to participate in a special Mother’s Day presentation on stage.  He had a large sign that said “I love my mom because…” on one side and his answer on the other.  His was long enough they had to pare it down.  His original answer was (he wrote this himself), “Mom is caring because she gets me what foods I want with my lunch.  Mom is helpful with chores like our dish chore and the laundry.  Sometimes Mom is strict with me, S, even Dad sometimes.  I love Mom all the way to Pluto and back to Earth!”

There’s a playground at church, so afterward we spent time with friends.  My husband and kids took me out for lunch.  The kids bought me gifts from the dollar store and got a couple treats themselves.  We went to the zoo and the park to feed the ducks, followed by another trip to the playground.  We made a nice dinner and enjoyed some family time around the tv.  Not our usual dinner routine, but very relaxing.  We capped off the day with family games and stories.

Many of my mom friends prefer to spend Mother’s Day being waited on by their husbands and children, or off doing something alone.  If that’s what relaxes you, then by all means, enjoy.  But that isn’t for me.  I want to spend these precious days with the kids.  Someday, they won’t be content with dollar store prizes and trips to the zoo.  They won’t want to spend the afternoon on the playground with mom and dad.  They may not relish the idea of family game night or reading together.  Instead, they will want cool clothes and gadgets and trips to the mall.  They’ll want to spend the day with their friends.  They will want to go to parties or they’ll need to study for school.  And one day, they won’t even be home at all.  So I’m going to cherish my time with my kids when we can be together as a family, before these magical days slip by.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Proud or Prideful

Posted by Amy in Parenting, Sin and tagged with

Every parent has the right to be proud of his or her children.  Each little one is unique and comes with a combination of interests, abilities, and learned skills.  It’s exciting to watch them as they grow, finding what sparks them.  And who knows?  One of them may develop green fuel or a cure for cancer or a way to feed the world.  One of them may become a famous singer or a movie actor or the CEO of her own company.

Along the way, though, there are several ways in which we can subtly undermine both our own children and our friends’ children.  I am never clear about whether this twisted form of pride comes from an actual belief that we are better than others or from the equally faulty fear that we are not as good as others.  Either way, it isn’t good.  Some of the mistakes we make in how we view our children’s accomplishments stem from those attitudes.

The first mistake is being certain now that this is what our children will do then.  Over and over, I hear parents talking about what their kids will be doing five or even ten years in the future.  Not what they might do; what they will do.  Sometimes this is based on a child’s expressed desire, such as what he or she wants to be as an adult.  Of course, not all of those dreams are realistic–my daughter’s friend said the other day that she plans to be a princess.  Most kids say those sorts of things.  But the truth is, very few children understand what it would take to make that a reality; they are expressing mostly admiration for people or professions.  When we latch onto that, we take some of the imagination and play away from our children.

At other times, the might-bes come from what we want our children to do.  It’s more than just wanting them to have opportunities to experience life.  It’s a drive to push them in a particular direction.  We remember how much we enjoyed an activity in our own youth, and we want the same for our kids.  Our children may indeed have similar interests, but they are not us–we can’t force them to be what we want, no matter how much we may want to.

The problem with both of the above is that it may not match reality.  A child may want to be a concert pianist, but if she can’t tell one note from another, that’s pretty unlikely.  Now, I’m not suggesting that she ought to quit piano lessons or that you should tell her she stinks.  Just that you probably shouldn’t try to find a way to turn her into a concert pianist.

Which brings me to another point at which unhealthy pride in our children can be expressed.  We don’t always have a realistic view of their abilities.  That comes out in two ways.  First, we inflate our children’s skills.  Second, we diminish the abilities of other children.

I’ve been on the receiving end of both recently, and I was very glad that neither of my kids was there to hear.

I’ve also been on the “giving” end.  My son was an early reader.  I taught him how to read, he didn’t learn on his own as some kids do.  He was interested, so we worked on it.  He now reads very, very well.  When he first started, I was very proud of him and I wanted to tell the world he could read.  I quickly stopped doing that, because I got responses ranging from outright disbelief to informing me that it wasn’t a sign of his later intelligence.  I even made the mistake of publicly asking for help selecting books for him–that must have made people feel like I was bragging.  Although I really did want the information, I am sure part of me was trying to find a “nicer” way to boast.

I realized what I had done only after someone else did a similar kind of bragging-that’s-supposed-to-look-like-it’s-not.  I was embarrassed for the person.  I don’t believe she knew how it came across.  But I did, because I’ve done it too.  And it’s hard to fight the urge to celebrate our dear ones’ accomplishments.

The other form of implying our children are better is absolutely not anything I have ever done.  It was one of the most hurtful experiences I’ve ever had.

My kids both take dance classes.  They enjoy it.  I have no notions that they will be professional dancers.  I really don’t care.  I just want them to have fun, get some exercise, and spend time with other kids their ages.  My son has been dancing for almost 5 years.  He is in class with kids who have been there a year longer.  He does keep up, but the reality is, he’s a year behind them on learning.  It takes time to catch up.  As the dance year comes to a close, we’re allowed to watch the kids perform the dances they are working on for the recital.  As we were watching, one of the parents leaned in to me and whispered that my son was making a lot of mistakes.  In that moment, I truly wanted to reach out and smack her (I didn’t).  After I recovered, I considered telling her that her kid wasn’t so great (I didn’t do that, either).  I thought about defending J, reminding her that he’s still young and that he did a pretty good job, under the circumstances (nope, didn’t do that).  In the end, I decided that it just wasn’t worth my time.

As they grow, I hope that I can learn how to practice being proud of them without being prideful.  One acquaintance summed it up perfectly.  His children are adults, very accomplished and doing great things.  I suggested he must be very proud of them.  He said yes, but that they are adults now, and they are doing their own things.  That is what I want–to give my kids the tools they need to find their own things.